I am sitting here at almost midnight finishing up some emails that I have been trying to get out all week. My mind drifts to tomorrow, back to our doctor's appointment Tuesday, back over the last three years. I try to focus on the emails I need to get out while it is quiet and no distractions. But, the thoughts are there, turning in my mind and occasionally in my stomach.
Chief and I have made a difficult decision regarding Little Man. We have decided to do a trial of medication to help address his ADHD. This was not a decision made lightly or without a lot of prayer. And while I know there are many opinions on the use of medication, no opinion matters except mine, Chief's and our doctor's.
Little Man has continued to struggle in school. His behavior has impacted his social interactions and friendships. His behavior significantly impacts our family on a daily basis limiting what we do and where we go. He is more and more surrounded by negative comments, frustration and heartache. While we have not seen too much of a negative impact on his self-esteem so far, we are starting to see glimpses of it now in his comments and reaction to things others say about him. We can foresee the path he is on if we do not do something different. We have been through the natureopath, pediatric behaviorist and psychologist. And while they have all provide guidance and useful tools and information, nothing has drastically altered Little Man's path. In fact as he gets older, his path has gotten bumpier.
So the decision has been made and it is the right decision at this time. But as a mom, I still worry and struggle. Are we doing the right thing? What if he really does not have ADHD and he is just really difficult or "all boy" as I hear so often? Is this medication going to change his personality? I have failed him. It feels like we are just using medication so we can like being around him and make things easier. Will kids make fun of him if they learn he has to take medication to be "good"? Will he still make the "whoo, whoo, whoo" sound as he rides his bike outside? Did we try hard enough on an altered diet and the parenting techniques? I could go on and on… so many things have flown around in my mind for weeks, months and years. But worry is fear. Worry is negative energy and we have had enough of that around here. I just want peace and to see a glimpse of what is possible for my Little Man.
As I grind up his medication for the first time tomorrow, I will pray for God's peace in all this… for me to feel God's hand on my shoulder and for Little Man to feel His hand too.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD,
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future."