Right or Wrong

I am sitting here at almost midnight finishing up some emails that I have been trying to get out all week.  My mind drifts to tomorrow, back to our doctor's appointment Tuesday, back over the last three years.  I try to focus on the emails I need to get out while it is quiet and no distractions.  But, the thoughts are there, turning in my mind and occasionally in my stomach.   

Chief and I have made a difficult decision regarding Little Man.  We have decided to do a trial of medication to help address his ADHD.  This was not a decision made lightly or without a lot of prayer.  And while I know there are many opinions on the use of medication, no opinion matters except mine, Chief's and our doctor's.  

Little Man has continued to struggle in school.  His behavior has impacted his social interactions and friendships.  His behavior significantly impacts our family on a daily basis limiting what we do and where we go.  He is more and more surrounded by negative comments, frustration and heartache.  While we have not seen too much of a negative impact on his self-esteem so far, we are starting to see glimpses of it now in his comments and reaction to things others say about him.  We can foresee the path he is on if we do not do something different.  We have been through the natureopath, pediatric behaviorist and psychologist.  And while they have all provide guidance and useful tools and information, nothing has drastically altered Little Man's path.  In fact as he gets older, his path has gotten bumpier.

So the decision has been made and it is the right decision at this time.  But as a mom, I still worry and struggle.  Are we doing the right thing? What if he really does not have ADHD and he is just really difficult or "all boy" as I hear so often?  Is this medication going to change his personality?  I have failed him.  It feels like we are just using medication so we can like being around him and make things easier.  Will kids make fun of him if they learn he has to take medication to be "good"?  Will he still make the "whoo, whoo, whoo" sound as he rides his bike outside?  Did we try hard enough on an altered diet and the parenting techniques?  I could go on and on… so many things have flown around in my mind for weeks, months and years.  But worry is fear.  Worry is negative energy and we have had enough of that around here.  I just want peace and to see a glimpse of what is possible for my Little Man.  

As I grind up his medication for the first time tomorrow, I will pray for God's peace in all this… for me to feel God's hand on my shoulder and for Little Man to feel His hand too.   

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, 

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, 

plans to give you hope and a future."  

Jeremiah 29:11

Where Have I been?

Well, it seems I have commitment issues.  Mentally I committed to blogging more regularly… ahhh nope.  I committed here to Jon Acoff's FinishYear idea and updating regulary… ahh, nope again.  


But wow, the end of the school year hit, we have traveled, I committed to take on the team manager role for my daughter's soccer team (which is way more than coming up with a snack schedule and team party) and I started a new business.  It really has been a whirlwind of a few months.  So here is a simplified recap of the last few months:


1.  We moved my Mom to a dementia care facility at the end of April.  What a surreal thing to do.  She, in God's mercy, was at a point in her disease that she did not really recognize the move.  She has agitated and sad at first, but now seems comfortable and safe.  My Dad has been her safety net and thankfully the caregivers have become that for her.  Honestly the most difficult part is to see the transition for my Dad.  He is on his own in almost 50 years.  His wife is gone as if she has died, but she is still here living among us.  Dad is making his way, getting out and doing things he has not been able to do for quite awhile.  My only regret is I don't live closer.
2.  We traveled to California as a family to see my nephew graduate.  It was a really quick trip - lots of driving, but it was good to see my mom and the family.
3.  I took Soccer Girl to Seattle for a soccer tournament.  I am so thankful that Chief's parents came to help out with Little Man and Lizard.  Oh my what a chaotic trip it would have been if I had to take them with us.  It was good to travel with just Soccer Girl.  But there was no alone time.  Maybe another trip…
4.  I came across Wildtree a few months ago while surfing the Internet.  I had never heard of this company before.  After I clicked over to their website I was intrigued.  Wildtree is a direct sell company with an all natural food line that are made WITHOUT dyes, preservatives, fillers, MSG or high fructose corn syrup.  They allow you to make healthy homemade meals in the fraction of the time.  I mentioned what I discovered to Chief and wondered if this was something I could get into.  What is in our food has been a topic of interest of mind for some time… especially since we have had a gluten free diet for Lizard and have to watch food dyes and high fructose corn syrup for Little Man.  I pondered if the home party business was for me and kind of put it out of my mind.  Then within a two week time frame I can across Wildtree two more times, completely unrelated to the first time I had discovered it.  I was paying attention now God.  I contacted the company and after tasting some of their products I jumped in.  I am an official Wildtree Representative.  I am really excited about this opportunity.  It is a way to help people focus on healthy homemade food… I am excited about cooking again.  I can help people make easy meals that taste great without all the junk the food companies put into our normal grocery store items.  Plus there is a potential to add to our monthly finances from home... which is a must for me.  So click over to my website and take a look.  Let me know what you'd like to try.  I know you won't be disappointed. 


So those are the highlights.  I'll try my best to update more regularly.  And, I'll revamp my FinishYear goals.

My FinishYear

I just now came across Jon Acuff FinishYear idea.  I am a little late to the party, but I am going to tackle this.  I am going to update here periodically on my progress. 

1. Finish losing 50 pounds by December 31, 2012. 
2. Finish starting an online eBay store as a fun little side "business."  I have already made my first thrift store purchase with eBaying in mind!
3. Finish learning to knit and make dish clothes for Christmas presents.  I need to make about 20 so I better get going.
4. Finish rereading Proverbs over and over and over in 2012.
5. Finish praying consistently the daily prayers for my kids.
6. And stealing this from idea from Jon Acuff - Finish writing at least one handwritten note to someone each month. 

Fanning the Fire

How does one maintain the fire one gets from something you learn or desire to do?  Like when you start a new exercise plan or a healthy eating kick… how do you maintain the fire to keep going after a few weeks?  Or after feeling the sting of my impatience with my kids; the guilt I feel and the hurt on their faces… how do I maintain the daily patience and grace necessary to parent my children as they deserve to be parented? 

What makes some people who receive devastating medical news completely change their lifestyle?  And, why do some who receive the same type of news, do nothing to change their circumstances?  Why after losing someone they love, do some really see what life is all about and live a life according but others do not. 

I think it is human to slip back into old habits and old ways of reacting to things.  I think it is easier to do that than the hard work of changing who you are, not matter how much you desire to be or do something different.  It is a valid reason – we ARE afterall, human.  But what is it exactly beyond that allows some to make lasting changes and others can not?  Fear… laziness… lack of belief… poor self image… a strong faith… perseverance or lack there of… or maybe accountability? 

I have many wonderful plans.  I research, gain support (in my head or with others depending upon the plan), implement and even execute the plan.  However, what I lack is follow through on many of those plans.  I have had moments of follow through in my life… like sticking to my guns when I was a teenager despite much disappointment from my Dad when I did not want to continue with sailing lessons…   Like losing 40 pounds about 5 years ago… like reading the bible last year. 

A friend of mine mentioned how she has started using a journal in church to make notes on the sermon.  She got this idea after reading the book Radical.  I have not read the book… yet.  But from our conversation she was talking about being a student; writing things down to remember and do something with that information – study, research more, think about - instead of just hearing and forgetting as the busyness of life gets in the way.  I may not have remembered our conversation correctly, but hey, that is what I took away from it which has lead me to ponder things leading to this post. 

I like the idea of being a student.  I think I am good at that part, the studying and research part, the observation part.  What I need to become is a fire builder, someone who does something with their knowledge.  I went to college because it was always expected, that is just what you did.  I went through the motions and graduated as expected.  What I did not do in college is absorb. I did not gain a fire to do something with my knowledge.  The funny thing about fire is that no matter how good a fire you build, not matter how much research you do on the best position of your logs to get air flow, no matter much it rages fast and hot in the beginning… if you do nothing to it, it will eventually burn out.  The fire builder has to fan the flames, keep feeding it – do something to keep the heat and intensity.   

That feeding, that fanning is what sets people apart.  It is what moves some people to action for the long term burn, not just the hot fast action in the beginning of an idea or plan.  That feeding is what is moving my friend to journal our sermons.  It is that feeding that allowed me to lose weight without grumbling years ago.  God has given me a brain to use, desires and a heart to do certain things.  But ultimately it comes down to doing the work, taking action on my plans, knowledge and desires.   It comes down to the having the faith that I can continue the hard work over the long haul.  The most rewarding of things come from the hard work, not the planning.  So I will build and I will feed my fire.   

Faith can move mountains, but don’t be surprised if God hands you a shovel. 

Author unknown.  

When I Grow Up...

You know the question you ask kids… “what do you want to be when you grow up?”  The normal answers for my kids have been teacher, chef, firefighter, and as Little Man has said lately, a cement truck driver.  All noble professions for sure.  The trouble is, I can’t honestly answer that question now – at 43 years old.

I have been in human resources for well over 20 years.  I kind of fell into this field.  I started out of college with my “organizational communications” degree supporting a manager who handled HR and training for a company.  Over the years, I have been blessed to learn from very smart managers who saw my potential and allowed me to do things above my actual years of experience.  And, truth be told, I am good at it.  I am trusted to advise management well and have a knack for managing information without bias very well.

But, here is the rub - I do not want to do this any more.  I am tired of the employee relations issues (really tired of this!), having to re-has an issue with an employee again and benefits administration.  I have seen my fair share of crazy stuff over the years (like the employees who were caught having ah, hmmm “relations” in a store in the wee morning hours and could not figure out why they were being terminated – they honestly said “the store was not open, so what is the big deal?”  Hmmm, the big deal is a customer waiting for the bus outside the store saw you doing your thing ON THE CHECK STAND, that's why.  Think about that the next time you plunk your purse down to pay for something – eeewww).  Anyway, HR is not fulfilling to me.  It is not challenging, humorous at times, but not challenging.

I find it fascinating that something I am good at is NOT satisfying.  And the bigger rub is that I have no idea what else I want to do.  I have tried to rack by brain thinking of what would fill me up.  But I come up empty.  We are not blessed with the option of me not working at all.  I don’t have to work full time, but even if I did not have to work, I don’t know what else I would want to do.

I do know that I want more flexibility in my schedule.  I do not want to rely on others to get my kids to their activities.  This summer has been eye opening, humbling and guilt ridden.  We are fortunate to having very loving friends who are more than willing to help out.  Unfortunately, I hate asking for help when I believe, deep down, I should be the one do these things.  I worry that the kids are safe and where they are suppose to be.  I worry about the impact my absence has in my relationship with them and what I am missing.

So one thing has been decided – I will not work away from home by this time next year.  While I need to find something to replace my income, the stress the job I started last October has created in our family, the impact on the kids and what I am missing, is not worth it.  And to further spur our decision is the need for me to be involved in Little Man’s schooling when he starts Kindergarten next fall.  I can not be an absentee-working parent.  I need to know his teachers and be in the classroom and be known to the school administrators.  We owe him that.

Some hard choices will have to be made over the next year.  It will not be easy.  And honestly, I am worried we will not be able to follow through on this decision.  But I am more worried if we don’t.

Chief and I have had some heart felt discussion lately.  What do we want for our family, each other, ourselves?  What means the most to us.  These discussions were triggered by watching the movie the Notebook.  Oh my, if you haven’t watched this, grab a box of Kleenex and your husband and watch it.  It is a true love story.  This movie took on a special meaning for us since my Mom is struggling with Alzheimer’s.  I think for the first time, I could see the impact this disease may have on my relationship with my husband.  And how it is so important to make the most of the days you are blessed with.  While I may have many days, I don’t know that I will remember all of them given my family history.  The memories we make and impact I have on my children are a gift, and I don’t want to waste it working in something that does not bring me joy just to pay some stupid Visa bill. 

Leaving

One of my very dear friends just moved away… for good.  We have known each other for about 7 years and we have become very good friends in the last few years.  I have never really had a friend move away, even as a kid.  I grew up in one house, in one town.  And, most of my friends did too.  In college you expect people to go their own direction and “leave” after school, either to return to their home towns or take a job somewhere else.  My best friend from college went on to graduate school while I got a job.  We are still in touch (she is even coming to visit this summer!) but we have never really lived near each other (unless you count our dorm rooms).  So this is really the first time someone I am close to has left. 

It is strange.  I am excited for my friend's new adventure and what it means for her family and her personally.  But honestly, I am nervous and sad.  Nervous that our GNO group will fall apart… that I will not continue to challenge myself to grow in my faith… that I won’t have someone to give me an honest perspective on Little Man and his challenges… that I won’t be connected as much… that I won’t have someone who wants to get together with me and my kids.  And I am sad that she will not be in my life on a regular, personal basis.  She is a Facebook friend, but it is just not the same. 

I know I am responsible for my own growth and for making and keeping friends.  But my friend is really good about finding something for me to step up to (reading the bible in a year, memorizing verses, reading, having a conversation on a deeper level than just “kid talk,” etc.).  Something of these things I would never do on my own.  My friend steps out to make play dates and initiates getting together with people.  She is the first one to call (or text actually!).  I love doing those things, but I do not take the initiative.  I guess I make the assumption the other person does not really want to get together and is just being nice or they are too busy with their own lives.  I am afraid with my friend not prompting me, I will shrink back into my little world because I am not stepping out.  And I am a little angry at myself for not taking her example and being more responsible for my own connections to people and growth. 

So, I am going to honor my friend:

I will be the person who initiates things. 

I will be the person to read for the pure pleasure of reading, despite the distractions of life.

I will be the person to get involved in things that mean something to me on-my-own, without being asked. 

I will be the person to keep our GNO group organized. 

I will be the person to organize the book club several of us have talked about. 

I will be the person who, in the heat of the moment with Little Man, will remember my friend’s words. 

I will do these things, not because she wants me to.

I will do these things because she helped me discover that I want these things.

So my friend, cheers to your next chapter.  I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you.

friend, faith builder, reality check and tequila shots

You mean the world to me.

God's Big Screen

A friend posted something on Facebook the other day about how we should live our lives as if we were movie stars with God as the paparazzi.  Now there is a thought.  One could argue that movie stars are not always the model citizens or ones that we should look to pattern our lives after.  But if I lived my life like someone was always watching my actions, how would I behave differently?

Then someone commented on my friend's Facebook post, "The sad and scary truth is that we will all be shown the DVDs of our sins.  I guarantee as fun as they "seemed" to be the first time around, [they] sure won't look as pretty on God's giant screen."  Wow.  I immediately thought of that scene in Monsters Inc. when Sully saw a video of himself scaring a child.  He was shocked at how he appeared and what he was showing the world…. something completely opposite of his true self.

I feel that way.  If my life where played for me on a big screen would I be shocked?  I think I would be.  What would I look like when I discipline my kids?  What would I look like when I think I am so busy, I can't remember to send a note to a friend who has been on my mind?  What would I look like when I make a choice out of convenience instead of out of pure service to another?

That comment about God's big screen hit me between the eyes.  Someone is always watching me - God.  He knows my motives, the thoughts running through my head.  I have to say, I would not be proud to sit next to God and watch some of the things that play on my DVD.

Awhile back, I ran across a YouTube video by Francis Chan, that speaks to the idea.  What will God say when I am standing before him?

I know God is trying to hammer an idea home to me.  I have learned that when the same idea, verse, book suggestion or thoughts come up again and again, He is telling me something.  I am listening.

SAHM vs. WPTAHSM

Preface - This post is not a debate of the merits of being a working Mom or a stay at home Mom.  Everyone makes their own decisions about what is best for themselves, their kids and their families.  This are just my ramblings and not meant to offend, judge or sway anyone who may be in either camp. 

I think it is safe to say that I am a working Mom now instead of a stay at home Mom, who works very part time.  I guess I have to update my profile on my side bar some day.  I am not sure how I feel about that… good in some ways and not so good in others.

I have gone from working one day a week for a total of about 7-10 hours for the last seven years to working five days a week for a total of about 27 hours.  That is not full time by any means, but definitely those added hours have been an adjustment for the whole family.

The change has been a blessing on many fronts.  First it has added income flow to the budget which has been very nice.  It is nice to have some extra to decide what to do with.  What a nice change.  I think I can actually breathe just a little bit easier.

And the biggest blessing and one that was hidden from us when we made the decision, was how Little Man would benefit.  He has truly done amazing.  His new school is a perfect fit for him.  They love him and see his unique talents.  His class is smaller, more academically based and more structured which has served him well.  He is very proud of all he accomplishes each day… writing letters, completing projects and learning bible based lessons.  Just yesterday he was singing to himself in his raspy little boy voice, "God is good, God is good."  Yes Little Man, he is!  He other favorite is "Many, Many Blessings.  Many, Many Blessings."  While he is still having some behavior issues at school, he has done remarkably well with the transition.

The girls have struggled a little with the time that I am away now.  They are having to manage themselves more and contribute more to the household duties.  Those are all good things, but is has probably been more of an adjustment for them then I realized it would be.  Overall, they are doing great though.  They seem to get along well when they are together and have actually stepped up to the responsibility.  Just yesterday, they decided on their own to dust, sweep, mop and vacuum the house.  Their only assigned chore was to empty the dishwasher.  Those are some good kids!

I guess the one that has had the hardest time transitioning is me.  I want to be home, I like being home.  And while I am not the best SAHM, I think it is so important.  I posted about some of my struggles before.  But, nonetheless, is makes me sad that I am not able to be home in that way any more.

It is funny… I think it is so important for my kids that I am home, knowing what is going on with them and that they are important and matter.  But at the same time I also think it is important for kids to see their Mom work; doing something for herself and the family. I think kids need to know that the world does not revolve around them and their every need and interest catered to.  The real world does not work that way and I think a false sense of entitlement can be created if Mom's are not careful.  My kids have all benefited immensely from being in a positive daycare setting for many years; many kids miss out on that.

I guess after such a long time being mostly at home and doing most all the SAHM things, it is hard to think of myself any other way.  What is ironic is that I have never been a full SAHM.  I have always worked since I have had kids, from three days a week, to full time to one day a week.  I am not sure why I have thought of myself as a SAHM all these years.  But I have.  A more accurate title for me over the years, and especially now, would be a WPTAHS or a Work Part Time at Home Some Mom.   It is just hard to re-program my brain to view myself another way.

I feel out of the loop with friends.  I have no time to myself without children around (this is the first year I was getting a little bit of time to myself when they were all in school, but is was very short lived).  I still have all the responsibilities that I had before but less time to do it all in.  And the biggest struggles is getting "it" all done without impacting the kids even more.  Sigh.

Don't get me wrong.  It is getting easier and I can not tell you how thankful I am that I am not working full time.  I know I should be thankful and celebrate the fact that I seem to have the best of both worlds (did you hear the Hannah Montana song in your head there for a minute?).  I have to start to recognize the benefits everyone is getting from this change and not focus so much on what everyone may be missing.  Logically, I know I am not failing as a Mom by working more.  I know that deep down, but it is struggle in my Mommy heart all the same.

It Has Been Awhile...

I can not believe I have not posted anything since the beginning of September.  It has been a crazy few months with lots of changes for us.

The biggest change is that I started another part time job!  It was one of the first resumes I sent out and I got the job.  It was truly a "careful what you wish for" type of feeling.  I can not believe with how many people out there looking for work right now, I got it.  I feel very blessed.  It is part time Monday-Friday in the mornings only…. I am back home by 1 o'clock.  Mondays are long though since I moved my other part time job to the afternoon.  And also on Monday I do my third part time job after the kids go to sleep.  But overall, I like the people and the job.  I am using my brain which is a very good thing.  And, it has added a cushion to our budget which was the desired result.

It is funny, the hardest thing I struggled with was having to move Little Man from his preschool to a whole new day care/preschool set up.  He did really well with his old preschool teacher despite how much of a challenge he could be.  I could have pieced together care for him during the week and keep him there, but he would have had four different care givers during the week.  And that would have only been through the end of the year.  That was not going to work on many levels, but most importantly, it was not fair to him to shuttle him around so much.  So we made the decision to make a complete change.

It has been the best move for him.  He LOVES his new preschool and teacher.  Just yesterday when I picked him up, we were walking out to the car and he said "I just love this place."  Oh Little Man, I do too!  While he has had some difficulties, he has not seemed to struggle with behaving like he did at his old preschool.  They see how smart he is and what a sense of humor he has.  They see him positively, not negatively.  I so need to hear that when it comes to my Little Man.

Since I pick him up after all the other kids that are still there have gone down for rest/nap time, he has to sit at a table and quietly play and wait for me.  I thought this would be a big negative.  But it has turned out to be wonderful for him.  He is getting about 30-40 minutes of one on one time with a teacher, sometimes two!  He is coloring, practicing his letter and using flash cards.

And, he is at a home daycare on Mondays with a wonderful loving, Christian women from our church.  He can snuggle on the couch if he needs too.  And, she also does formalized preschool activities with the kids so he is getting five days a week of "education."  Fabulous.

The girls are enjoying their new found responsibility of getting themselves to school.  They have worked together well and Soccer Girl has really stepped up to look out for Lizard.  They have surprised me.  They are doing the chores I leave for them and getting their reading done all before school.  Yah for responsible children!

It is funny how everything fell into place and the timing of it all.  The location, the hours, Little Man's care, the girls stepping up...The answer to prayer is not lost on me.

The other fun thing that has happened is the number of photography jobs I have gotten.  I have done five senior portraits sessions in the last three months and have a family session coming up this weekend.  I love it!  I has been hard to balance the time commitment it takes in editing the photos with all that has been going on.  But it really has been fun.  I see my photography as a fun creative outlet for me, a much needed service for people looking for good affordable photographs (did you know that senior pictures can cost upwards of a $1000… can you believe someone would pay that and that someone would have the nerve to charge that?!) and something that earns us some extra spending money.  A win-win-win!

As I am getting use to the new schedule, I think I will be back to posting more often.  I have lots rattling around in my brain that I think needs to be written… thoughts on working more and how that impacts me and how I view myself as a Mom, updates on Little Man, making things a priority that should be…. lots in my brain.  I am feeling a little less frazzled so I think I can begin to formulate my thoughts so I can document this time.  After all, the name of my blog is "simply capturing life" so I should do that, capture our life.

I Want a Cracker!

We are on week two of a gluten and dairy free diet for Little Man and Lizard. We took Little Man for food sensitivity testing and his wheat (whole wheat, spelt and gluten) and dairy (whey and casein) were high. Not off the charts allergic, but high enough to warrant a go at it to see if eliminating gluten and/or dairy would help with his behavior and his eczema. We are also following this for Lizard to see if we can pinpoint the cause of her ongoing stomach aches, which to date we have not been able to figure out.

It has been a challenge for sure. Not insurmountable, but a challenge. And very expensive. We eat an above average diet – not the healthiest out there for sure, but far better than many people. Even with that, it has been interesting to try to come up with alternatives to our normal choices. You can’t just grab a bag of goldfish crackers to fill the kids up. There are gluten/dairy free alternatives, but one box for $4.00 is the size of one snack – for one kid - maybe! Plus it is a challenge to find items the kids will eat. It has been some trial an error but we are making our way.

We started out thinking the whole family would follow it. But due to cost and the impact on our food budget, we are only following it strictly for the two kids. It is maddening that alternative foods… organic…gluten free… or whatever… are so much more expensive. It is actually ridiculous that I just referred to it as “alternative” because the general public should be eating THIS food, not the processed, chemical filled “food” the food industry shoves down our throats through coupons and cheap options. The more I learn, the angrier I get. It cuts to the core when I have to make a food choice based on cost and not on what is the healthiest choice.

In the end, I am not sure eliminating dairy and/or gluten will make much difference for Little Man. I guess I am hopeful that it will have a positive impact in improving his behavior; but skeptical at this point. Maybe I am reaching for something to “blame” for his actions, his defiance and his difficult nature. I know I must explore all the possibilities for my kids to be successful and provide that to the best of my ability. At the same time, it is hard to swallow that Little Man’s behavior might not improve despite our best efforts. I hate that he might be labeled the difficult kid… the trouble maker… the one that the other parents roll their eyes at and talk about. We have already had a small taste of it.

What I want people to see is that he is so full of life, funny and smart. He is amazing. He is athletic, runs faster than any kid I know and has a smile that lights up a room. He says the funniest things (like just the other day telling Soccer Girl, “hey you have polka dots on your face” referring to her freckles, as if she didn’t know!). I think people can see it a lot of the times when there is no structure and he is free to play on his own and on his own terms. But if structure or directions are involved, it is not as visible.

One of the other things Chief and I have talked about is our role as parents in his behavior. There is cause and effect in most things in life… when we react a certain way to Little Man’s behavior it can cause him to react a certain way. We are trying to monitor our reactions. I know there are times when I have escalated his negative behavior due to my reaction.  It is funny, people say by waiting to have kids until you are older, you are more mature and can handle the ups and downs better. Maybe so, but I have found I have less patience and am more tired than I was when had my other two and was "younger."  My challenge is to be calm, quiet and thoughtful in my responses.

We will keep plugging away at things for our Little Man.  He deserve that.  I know there is purpose for this struggle even if I can't see it right now. 

“For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

What is Happening?

My Little Man has been in big boy underwear one week as of tonight! He just kind of started on his own last Tuesday evening and I looked at my schedule and thought let’s go for it. I was able to be home for the most part for 6 days straight before he had to go back to the babysitter today.

He has done so well! I am so proud of him. He still is having some accidents (mostly with the whole poop thing, sigh…). But, for the most part, he is holding it for long stretches of time and gets himself there. Since he is so stubborn, I figured it would take much longer for him to get it. We are not out of the woods for sure, but we are well on our way. Well done, my Big Boy!

I so want him potty trained, but am sad that my diapering days are pretty much behind me. I love the crinkle sound of the diaper when my little ones toddle by and the smell of Desitin, oh man, I love it. I joked with Chief that I might just buy some so I can smell it when I need a baby fix.

The remodel is done… Soccer Girl is in her own room and Lizard has her own room back! Their rooms are painted and they love having their OWN space. They have asked to sleep with each other many more times than I expected already. Maybe somewhere beneath all the bickering, they will truly be friends.

Chief’s new job is going well. He is able to work from home quite a bit which has been great, but also required some adjustment on our part. I think the best part is that he is not being micro-managed and trusted to do his job. I can see his confidence returning and he is so much happier. I am so happy for him.

Summer vacation starts next week. I am looking forward to the more relaxed schedule, but also know that causes trouble for us. I am going to do my best to have a plan each day. We need a focus and activities to keep everyone from getting on each other’s nerves. It will be a challenge to keep all three entertained as what is exciting to a 3 year old is not so much to a 10 year old or even a 7 year old. But, I will do my best.

I am going to start looking for another part time job to hopefully add to or if need be replace my current jobs. We have long wanted some more financial breathing room each month and have finally decided that I need to earn some more income to do that. The trick now is what to look for… I do not want to be tied to a job 9-5, commute and all that – never again! I want to be home when the kids get home, I want to hear about their day first hand, and most important, know the teachers and their friends and their parents, etc. The trick is that I do not know what I want to do so it is hard to even look. I do not want to HR any more. After 20 years, I am done with it. I want something from home ideally that allows me the flexibility to be home when my babies get home.

I am struggling (or probably more accurately dragging my feet) with the idea of working more. I haven’t really pin-pointed why yet. It is not because I don’t want people to know we need more financial flow each month – I could careless about that – I am putting it on the internet for Pete’s sake. I think it is the idea of not being home for my kids and the perception that I have failed them somehow. I really don’t know. I have always worked either part time or full time. I do not have an issue with putting my kids in childcare; I honestly think it is good for them. I also know that I am not the best stay at home mom. I frustrate easily and am bored. How can someone not be good at being with their kids? That could be a big part of it too.

I want so much for us to have some extra to do things (not a lot of extra, just a little bit) – like a vacation, like proper repairs on the house or upgrades. Most of our “vacations” are typically visiting family and while that is wonderful, it does not create family memories for the five of us. It is not an experience that the kids will remember and look back on. While I am not a “keep up with the Jones” type of person, it is hard at times when friends or family are renting houseboats for a week in the summer or re-doing their floors. I am not judging anyone on how or why they spend their money. It would just be nice for us to have the freedom to do some of those things without going into debt to do them and being able to keep my current schedule. I guess it is just hard to swallow that it will not happen.

My struggle continues and my half-hearted search continues…maybe the perfect job will land in my lap tomorrow? I just hope I recognize it when it lands.

So that is the update around here and my record of what is happening at this time for my little family.

Ramblings of a "Would-Be" Fly

I often would like to be a fly on the wall of my friend’s homes. Not out of some crazy “I like to snoop” type thing. It is really just to see if I am a typical Mom in my daily struggles. I often feel like I am the only one who could possibly have such frustrations and annoyances. Now friends will commiserate with me about the struggles and frustrations with their kids or whatever. But, come on, do they really have it as bad as me? (I say that with sarcasm). Hence, the fly on the wall idea.

It would really be a good reality check for me. Little Man is mentally and physically exhausting most days. Lizard is snuggly happy one minute then screaming mad within the next nano-second. Soccer Girl is a tween with all the hormones starting to do their thing; really stuck in that middle ground of being a little girl and a teenager. How would my friends handle my daily messes?

I have the best kids in the world, a great marriage, we are healthy, and have food to eat and a roof over our heads. Why then, am I exasperated much of the day? I think part of is that parenting is much harder than I ever imagine…I regret lots of the choices I make as a Mom…I feel like an unappreciated maid many days…I miss time with just Chief…

We tell the kids often to choose differently so you get a different outcome. That is great advice to dish out, but much harder to follow myself. There are days when I can choose differently…change my tone of voice, give choices, spend the quality time I need to with my family. But then there are days that I am mentally “done” before I have even gone downstairs and bark orders like a drill sergeant.

I am in a season of mental “doneness” right now. Chief said to me last night that I don’t seem happy. Honestly, deep down I am happy. What appears as unhappiness is probably frustration, tiredness and an underlying feeling that the tough parenting falls to me most of the time. I get that this is the nature of my “job” to be home with the kids. It is a choice we have made and one I would not change. But, who knew it would be so much harder for me then going to a 9-5 traditional job every day.

I have sometimes rolled my eyes at the advice “take care of yourself first so you can take care of others.” I am finding some truth to that at this time of my life, especially today.  I think I am going to have to reprioritize things and put myself near the top. If I continue down this path, it is going to get bumpy and ugly. I don’t want that and neither does my family.

So…if you see a fly on your wall that looks a bit like me, I am not snooping, really. I am just trying to make sure that I am okay.

Amazing

Good news came through for Chief.  He will be starting a great new job at the end of the month.  He has been able to resign from his current employer which in and of itself is a huge blessing (think working for a manager that supports none of your decisions, is unethical/falsifies documents and is power hungry at the cost of her people).  And that he is going to a great new opportunity is just icing on the cake. 

While no job is perfect and the new one will have ups and down for sure, it is an exciting opportunity in a growing industry. His expereince has been recognized and rewarded.  I am so proud of him and happy for him.

We have prayed for a new opportunity for a loooonng time and have been frustrated when things have fallen through in the past.  We now see why God was waiting for this time, for this opportunity.  I just need to trust more. 

Love Your Man

Can I just say, I love my man...Chief?  Cause I do.  We are undergoing change, but I am more in love with Chief than ever.  We are in this together and that is a very comforting place to be.

Get out Murphy

If you follow Dave Ramsey, you know he says if you are not prepared, Murphy moves in. Well, we are prepared to a certain extent, but Murphy has moved in on us. New tires for the car (Thank you Lord for allowing the blow out on the freeway with all the kids in the car to happen on a clear - non-raining day), new spring for the garage door, car acting up and Chief's job getting worse and worse.

I see change ahead of us - me going back to work, new jobs, open to moving where a job may lead Chief, change for the kids... I am in a moment of complete panic right now, but yesterday I was very peaceful and calm about everything.

I think God is trying to show me how to rely on him in everything. My first reaction is not to go to God, not to pray. That is changing for me in a real way. Funny, when I go to Him first, I am calm and know everything will work out the way it is suppose to. It really isn't funny or a ironic -it is real faith and I am finally learning. Took me long enough, huh God.