Aging

I read a wonderful post at inCourage written by Kristen Welch who blogs at We are THAT Family.  Kristen is one of my daily read (sometimes more than once!).  This post is a beautiful message for every women on aging gracefully and true beauty.   Read her post here.

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelery or fine clothes.  Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.  

1 Peter 3:3-4

Authenticity

I have been struck lately by the idea of authenticity and how that plays out in our lives on a daily basis.

Websters defines authentic as "not false… true to one's own personality, spirit, or charater…"

Social media (FaceBook, Blogs, Instagram, Pinterest, etc.) have many of us presenting a life that is not necessarily as authentic or real as our lives actually are.  I have read blogs that have made me wonder if these people ever have dirty underwear on the floor and mold in their showers.  Their birthday parties for their kids are over the top… fancy cookies, decorations, horses.  I can't keep up with such expectations. It seems as if no one can be imperfect these days.

Teenagers post happy, cute, fun pictures of themselves on Instagram.  Always smiling, always looking their best… competing to see who as the most "likes" on a given post or picture.  That is so much pressure to put on each other at such a young age.  It seems to me that kids may always feel that they are not good enough.  So much is given to our kids so young and it is EXPECTED that they will have these things.  Parents don't seem to know how to say no.  Just because you get a good deal on a iPhone and data package does not mean it is the right thing to give a 13 year old.  Do they really need access to the Internet at all hours of the day, posting pictures on Instragram during the school day?  I want my kids to know they are enough, without the electronics, fancy jeans and 50 likes on their pictures.

The idea of being authentic has really struck me lately as I see people socialize with people that they do not necessarily like or at least they have indicated to me that they don't agree with the way they handle their lives.  They seem to seek out opportunities to be with people that they dislike or don't have much in common.  Please don't misunderstand me.  All of us are in situations where we socialize with people (on your kids sports team, your kids being in class with a particular kid year after year) that we don't agree with how they handle things or we would not be best of friends with them.  You know the ones.  But I am able to be kind, social and even enjoy my conversations with most people.  However, I will not seek out a friendship with someone who consistently handles situation with their kids, or at school or their personal affairs in a way that is counter to my beliefs and values.  That to me, would not be authentic to my personality or character.

One could make the argument that as a Christian, I should seek out those type of relationship to be a light to someone.  And, I do agree with that to a point.  I think I am a light when I am friendly and interested in most people I encounter and do my best not to judge someone else as I do not know their walk or struggles in life.  I think it is telling that I am NOT invited to certain functions.  I think some people can tell I am not willing to "play the game" that is so prevalent these days.  And while I might be initially hurt (I am human after all), at the end of the day, I want all my relationships in my life to authentic… to be based on honesty, integrity and real connection.  I want to spend my time with people who I can be real with and honest with without a second thought that the other person will judge me or use what I say in a way that could hurt anyone.  Or maybe they don't invite me because they think I am a stick in the mud!  Ha.  Either way, at the end of the day, I am OK with that.

When my life comes to a close, I want people to say I was authentic.  That I was real and genuine.  That I walked the talk.  I have a long way to go in many areas for sure.  When I am screaming at my kids to STOP YELLING (Oh, the irony in THAT ONE), I am not genuine or authentic for sure.  My heart and actions do not match.  But I think I am starting to actually feel and see the dilemma of living out my Christian faith in this world.  God lets me know instantly when I am made a bad choice (like a swear word in front of my kids or making poor financial decision that in the past I would not have thought twice about).  I can see the struggle my kids go through when they don't have the latest and greatest social media fad that all their friends have because the implications it can have.

But, I'll continue to walk this walk, grow and be as authentic and true to myself and my beliefs as I can.

Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works and in your teaching show integrity and dignity.
Titus 2:7

For we are not, like so many, peddlers of God's word, but as men of sincerity, as commissioned by God, in the sight of God we speak in Christ.
2 Corinthians 2:17

Right or Wrong

I am sitting here at almost midnight finishing up some emails that I have been trying to get out all week.  My mind drifts to tomorrow, back to our doctor's appointment Tuesday, back over the last three years.  I try to focus on the emails I need to get out while it is quiet and no distractions.  But, the thoughts are there, turning in my mind and occasionally in my stomach.   

Chief and I have made a difficult decision regarding Little Man.  We have decided to do a trial of medication to help address his ADHD.  This was not a decision made lightly or without a lot of prayer.  And while I know there are many opinions on the use of medication, no opinion matters except mine, Chief's and our doctor's.  

Little Man has continued to struggle in school.  His behavior has impacted his social interactions and friendships.  His behavior significantly impacts our family on a daily basis limiting what we do and where we go.  He is more and more surrounded by negative comments, frustration and heartache.  While we have not seen too much of a negative impact on his self-esteem so far, we are starting to see glimpses of it now in his comments and reaction to things others say about him.  We can foresee the path he is on if we do not do something different.  We have been through the natureopath, pediatric behaviorist and psychologist.  And while they have all provide guidance and useful tools and information, nothing has drastically altered Little Man's path.  In fact as he gets older, his path has gotten bumpier.

So the decision has been made and it is the right decision at this time.  But as a mom, I still worry and struggle.  Are we doing the right thing? What if he really does not have ADHD and he is just really difficult or "all boy" as I hear so often?  Is this medication going to change his personality?  I have failed him.  It feels like we are just using medication so we can like being around him and make things easier.  Will kids make fun of him if they learn he has to take medication to be "good"?  Will he still make the "whoo, whoo, whoo" sound as he rides his bike outside?  Did we try hard enough on an altered diet and the parenting techniques?  I could go on and on… so many things have flown around in my mind for weeks, months and years.  But worry is fear.  Worry is negative energy and we have had enough of that around here.  I just want peace and to see a glimpse of what is possible for my Little Man.  

As I grind up his medication for the first time tomorrow, I will pray for God's peace in all this… for me to feel God's hand on my shoulder and for Little Man to feel His hand too.   

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, 

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, 

plans to give you hope and a future."  

Jeremiah 29:11

Be Safe

Soccer Girl leaves for outdoor school tomorrow.  Three nights and four days away from home.  This is the first time she has been away from home that long without mom and dad.  No cell phones, no texting, no iTouches, nothing electronic.  My heart would feel better with one text from her that she arrived safely.  She is not too nervous, but did say this morning she doesn't really want to go.  So grown up, but still so little.  I am OK right now, but I think by Wednesday I might be just a wee but bit anxious.

I have faith she will make smart decisions, follow the rules and have fun.  From what friends have told me who went as a kid, it is memory she will have forever.  She will learn a ton and experience life without mom and dad, at least a little bit.  I pray she has an amazing week and stays safe not only physically but mentally and spiritually.  And my secret prayer is for to come home with a renewed gratefulness for her family.

The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous man runs into it and is safe.

Proverbs 18:10

My FinishYear

I just now came across Jon Acuff FinishYear idea.  I am a little late to the party, but I am going to tackle this.  I am going to update here periodically on my progress. 

1. Finish losing 50 pounds by December 31, 2012. 
2. Finish starting an online eBay store as a fun little side "business."  I have already made my first thrift store purchase with eBaying in mind!
3. Finish learning to knit and make dish clothes for Christmas presents.  I need to make about 20 so I better get going.
4. Finish rereading Proverbs over and over and over in 2012.
5. Finish praying consistently the daily prayers for my kids.
6. And stealing this from idea from Jon Acuff - Finish writing at least one handwritten note to someone each month. 

The Gift of a Blog Post

There are many blog posts that I read in my travels that have great information, a funny story or a thought provoking viewpoint.  But every once in awhile, there is some posts that are written TO me.  FOR ME.. and about what is in my heart.  A blog post over at Momastery the other day is one such post.  I only recently came across this blog through a good friend posting a link on facebook.  There have been quite a few gems in just a week or so (I haven't even had a chance to read her archives!).  In fact, I even took the time to read a few posts to Chief - again, some were thought provoking and some funny.  But the post the other day, was FOR ME at exactly the right moment.  To read "my" post, go here.


I have written about Little Man's struggles many times.  I know logically in my head that he is wonderfully made and it is the world that needs to adjust.  But, is has been a struggle for me to really believe that... deep down.  That is hard to admit.  I know there are many kids who struggle much more than my son.  I feel a little selfish and dramatic feeling what I do at times and saying how hard it it.  But it is.  I have parented two other kids who are "model" children.  So in contract, Little Man's challenges are big to me.  They are difficult and they are embarrassing.  


Glennon's post said everything I have been feeling so beautifully.  Here are a few excerpts:


"Every child is gifted and talented. Every single one. "   


"... if we are patient and calm... and we keep believing, we will eventually see the specific magic of each child."

"We have to actually believe that our kids are okay.


I know. Tough. But we can do it. We can start believing by erasing the idea that education is a race. It’s not. Actually, education is like Christmas. We’re all just opening our gifts, one at a time. And it is a fact that each and every child has a bright shiny present with her name on it, waiting there underneath the tree. God wrapped it up, and He’ll let us know when it’s time to unwrap it. In the meantime, we must believe that our children are okay. Every last one of them. The perfect ones and the naughty ones and the chunky ones and the shy ones and the loud ones and the so far behind ones and the ones with autism.


Because here’s what I believe. I think a child can survive a teacher or other children accidentally suggesting that he’s not okay. As long as when he comes home, he looks at his mama and knows by her face that he really is."

WOW.  

Having just received the official ADHD diagnosis, I have been thinking a lot about shifting my mind set.  Little Man is not TRYING to be naughty, defiant or difficult.  He wants to have friends and please us and his teacher.  I am thankful that he is young enough to not realize the impact of his struggles on others and himself.  We are praying we can help him learn to manage himself before he sees things clearly and how his behavior impacts him socially and academically.  

I want him to know he is okay... deep in his soul.  And that starts with me believing, deep in my soul that he is okay and will be okay.  

I pray that he knows he is okay... no matter what he does or says.  He has so many things to show the world.  It is my hope and prayer that he and I can say to the world some day "told you so."  

Thankful: Day 29 & 30!

Day 29 - thankful Little Man did not break his arm and for medical care so close to home.

Day 30 - my last day at my job.  So very thankful to be back to working one day a week.  While the budget will be tight again (sigh), the timing it good and we have a plan in place.

This was an interesting exercise to think daily about what I am thankful for.  Even when I did not write it down daily, I could very easily think of what I was thankful…it was what stood out to me most.  I just read this quote on Pinterest.

What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday.  

We Need to Meet

Yesterday Little Man's preschool teacher asked to meet with me.  While Little Man is doing okay, she said he "needs more."  The incentives they use in the room are not enough for him.  She would like to devise a plan to work with him.

She told me he is very smart but very energetic.  I have learned over the years that those are codes for he doesn't keep his hands to himself… he interferes in the class… he is not able to socialize with the other kids… label it however you want.  It means he is still struggling.  While he has improved, I know he will continue to struggle well into his formal school years.

So we will meet next week to talk about the issues and come up with a plan.  But, right now, I feel like we have not done enough for him and that I have failed him.  I feel just plain defeated and sad.

I know that I need to embrace all of him.  I know that he is wonderfully made.  I know that all of the things that may be viewed as "challenges" now will fade and serve him well… some day.  It is just hard to accept that when it is your kid not invited to a class birthday party and most days the teacher has to talk to you about what happened that day.

I will feel sad for a little bit longer.  Then I will look into his beautiful face and plow forward with a plan.

Fanning the Fire

How does one maintain the fire one gets from something you learn or desire to do?  Like when you start a new exercise plan or a healthy eating kick… how do you maintain the fire to keep going after a few weeks?  Or after feeling the sting of my impatience with my kids; the guilt I feel and the hurt on their faces… how do I maintain the daily patience and grace necessary to parent my children as they deserve to be parented? 

What makes some people who receive devastating medical news completely change their lifestyle?  And, why do some who receive the same type of news, do nothing to change their circumstances?  Why after losing someone they love, do some really see what life is all about and live a life according but others do not. 

I think it is human to slip back into old habits and old ways of reacting to things.  I think it is easier to do that than the hard work of changing who you are, not matter how much you desire to be or do something different.  It is a valid reason – we ARE afterall, human.  But what is it exactly beyond that allows some to make lasting changes and others can not?  Fear… laziness… lack of belief… poor self image… a strong faith… perseverance or lack there of… or maybe accountability? 

I have many wonderful plans.  I research, gain support (in my head or with others depending upon the plan), implement and even execute the plan.  However, what I lack is follow through on many of those plans.  I have had moments of follow through in my life… like sticking to my guns when I was a teenager despite much disappointment from my Dad when I did not want to continue with sailing lessons…   Like losing 40 pounds about 5 years ago… like reading the bible last year. 

A friend of mine mentioned how she has started using a journal in church to make notes on the sermon.  She got this idea after reading the book Radical.  I have not read the book… yet.  But from our conversation she was talking about being a student; writing things down to remember and do something with that information – study, research more, think about - instead of just hearing and forgetting as the busyness of life gets in the way.  I may not have remembered our conversation correctly, but hey, that is what I took away from it which has lead me to ponder things leading to this post. 

I like the idea of being a student.  I think I am good at that part, the studying and research part, the observation part.  What I need to become is a fire builder, someone who does something with their knowledge.  I went to college because it was always expected, that is just what you did.  I went through the motions and graduated as expected.  What I did not do in college is absorb. I did not gain a fire to do something with my knowledge.  The funny thing about fire is that no matter how good a fire you build, not matter how much research you do on the best position of your logs to get air flow, no matter much it rages fast and hot in the beginning… if you do nothing to it, it will eventually burn out.  The fire builder has to fan the flames, keep feeding it – do something to keep the heat and intensity.   

That feeding, that fanning is what sets people apart.  It is what moves some people to action for the long term burn, not just the hot fast action in the beginning of an idea or plan.  That feeding is what is moving my friend to journal our sermons.  It is that feeding that allowed me to lose weight without grumbling years ago.  God has given me a brain to use, desires and a heart to do certain things.  But ultimately it comes down to doing the work, taking action on my plans, knowledge and desires.   It comes down to the having the faith that I can continue the hard work over the long haul.  The most rewarding of things come from the hard work, not the planning.  So I will build and I will feed my fire.   

Faith can move mountains, but don’t be surprised if God hands you a shovel. 

Author unknown.  

Leaving

One of my very dear friends just moved away… for good.  We have known each other for about 7 years and we have become very good friends in the last few years.  I have never really had a friend move away, even as a kid.  I grew up in one house, in one town.  And, most of my friends did too.  In college you expect people to go their own direction and “leave” after school, either to return to their home towns or take a job somewhere else.  My best friend from college went on to graduate school while I got a job.  We are still in touch (she is even coming to visit this summer!) but we have never really lived near each other (unless you count our dorm rooms).  So this is really the first time someone I am close to has left. 

It is strange.  I am excited for my friend's new adventure and what it means for her family and her personally.  But honestly, I am nervous and sad.  Nervous that our GNO group will fall apart… that I will not continue to challenge myself to grow in my faith… that I won’t have someone to give me an honest perspective on Little Man and his challenges… that I won’t be connected as much… that I won’t have someone who wants to get together with me and my kids.  And I am sad that she will not be in my life on a regular, personal basis.  She is a Facebook friend, but it is just not the same. 

I know I am responsible for my own growth and for making and keeping friends.  But my friend is really good about finding something for me to step up to (reading the bible in a year, memorizing verses, reading, having a conversation on a deeper level than just “kid talk,” etc.).  Something of these things I would never do on my own.  My friend steps out to make play dates and initiates getting together with people.  She is the first one to call (or text actually!).  I love doing those things, but I do not take the initiative.  I guess I make the assumption the other person does not really want to get together and is just being nice or they are too busy with their own lives.  I am afraid with my friend not prompting me, I will shrink back into my little world because I am not stepping out.  And I am a little angry at myself for not taking her example and being more responsible for my own connections to people and growth. 

So, I am going to honor my friend:

I will be the person who initiates things. 

I will be the person to read for the pure pleasure of reading, despite the distractions of life.

I will be the person to get involved in things that mean something to me on-my-own, without being asked. 

I will be the person to keep our GNO group organized. 

I will be the person to organize the book club several of us have talked about. 

I will be the person who, in the heat of the moment with Little Man, will remember my friend’s words. 

I will do these things, not because she wants me to.

I will do these things because she helped me discover that I want these things.

So my friend, cheers to your next chapter.  I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you.

friend, faith builder, reality check and tequila shots

You mean the world to me.

Marriage

I have come across the topic of marriage from many different directions over the last few weeks.  I posted about being on guard with my own marriage and how I want to protect it.  That very same day, I read this post at We are THAT Family.  I think this post is a beautiful summary of what I want my kids to know about marriage and what it means to be committed.  What is God telling me with all these prompts?

And, if you haven't read Kristin over at We are THAT Family, you should.  She is one of my daily reads… very insightful, challenging, funny and honest.

God's Hands

We are in a very rough stretch with Little Man.  Very rough.  We had a good stretch for awhile, but the last few months have been deteriorating and the last few weeks have been bad.  We are truly at a loss how to parent him through this.  Calls are being made and a plan of attack is underway.  We can not continue this way.  I can not.  He can not.  It is affecting him deeply - you can see it in his eyes.  It is impacting our family.  I am pissed, sad, exhausted, frustrated and feel guilty most of the time.   That is no way to live.  I can only imagine the emotions he is feeling.   

He and I said prayers last night and asked God to help him make good decisions.  We talked about when he gets mad at school or home to close his eyes and ask God to help him.  And this morning when I asked him what he could do when he gets mad, he said “pray to God.”  We said another prayer this morning while he was eating breakfast.  And guess what?  Little Man had a better morning today.  He only had a few minor blow ups and only punched Lizard a few times, but he was able to get himself under control.  And he did not argue about the toys I said he could not take to school.  He got himself in the car and was generally happy. 

For some reason we were downstairs early this morning so we had extra time.  I even commented to the girls – why are we all so early this morning?  On the way to drop Little Man off at school, my neighbor texted me saying she was going to request that Lizard and her daughter be placed together next year and asked if that was ok?  I texted her back and said I wanted to do the same thing.  Well guess what?  The form was due today and I had no idea… I knew it was coming up and had thought about requesting that the girls be together.  But not being in the school very much now that I am working more, I am out of the loop and miss stuff.  Her text came at just the right time.  Since we were early this morning, I had time to go to the school, find the form, get it turned in and still got to work on time. 

Ok, how can I not think God had His hands in the events of this morning?  We truly went to Him in prayer last night and He worked things out to take care of our kids today… Little Man with his issues (at least for this morning) and Lizard to help foster her friendship with our neighbor.  One that is very good for her. 

Now, some might say I am a Jesus freak, but I tell you… I can not miss that things go better when I pray.  I  found my wedding ring about 1 minute after I FINALLY said a prayer… when I finally prayed about all the mud slinging that recently occurred, I felt better.  Things happen and God is beside me when I pray.  Pretty hard for anyone to miss that today.  

The road with Little Man is going to be long, but at least for a little while today, I could see hope.   

The High Road

When someone you love is wrongly accused of something it is very difficult to take the high road.

Chief volunteers for a sports board here in town out of his love for the game.  Through a long chain of events, through decisions made by a board of six people (Chief was one of six board members and for the record, the initial decision was one he did not advocate for), some very nasty things were "said" by some parents.  Instead of questioning the decision that was made, which is perfectly reasonable, a few parents resorted to flinging mud.  They accused the board of having an agenda and working for 10 months to accomplish that agenda.  I honestly felt like I was back in high school.  And what made the whole situation so hurtful was that the parents that flung mud knew the members of the board personally.  Interestingly, what was "said" was through the safety and distance of email... not one person had the nuts to say their accusations in person.  Chief told me in the mist of the initial mud slinging that he knows what he did and why he did the things he did, so the nasty comments did not mean much to him.  Wow.  How is that for the high road?

Through it all, I have stayed on the high road... at least in the public eye.  But let me tell you, I have flung mud and wallowed on the low road behind closed doors.  It is too long a story to tell and really not worth the time or effort to retell.  As time has passed, I have learned it really does not matter.  I have learned that my issues are not with a lot of people, just a few so I can keep things in perspective.  And while I won't forget who threw the mud so quickly at my husband (and indirectly our family), I know God knows the situation, he knows the people involved and will judge all accordingly.

My first reaction was not to pray through this.  But over the last few weeks I have.  And, I have some peace over the situation.  I will continue to walk with my eyes on the high road and maybe a little wiser... I know I will eye-ball the low road though (who am I kidding).  But I will pray that God helps keep me off it.

I thought of this ..."When you sling mud at people, some will inevitably stick to you."  I know all this is more of a reflection on the other people, but… it still hurts.  And, another piece of advice... do not ever say anything in email that you are not willing to say to someone in person.

God Told Me to Do It

So the other night, I look into the family room and Soccer Girl has a garbage can and it trimming the hair on all of their Barbie Dolls. I am watching this wondering why the heck she is doing this and envisioning all the hair on my carpet.  So I ask my oldest, “Soccer Girl, why are you cutting all the Barbie’s hair?” “God told me to do it,” she replied with a sly grin.

Now, my oldest was being funny.  But the irony of that response was not lost on me. I had just returned from our church’s women’s weekend retreat only a few hours before. The theme of the weekend was Be Still (Be still and know that I am God Psalm 46:10). The speaker, Pam Vrederbelt, spoke to us about how when we slow down and take the time to listen, God will speak to us.  She did not mean He would necessarily speak audibly.  He will speak in the thoughts that surface in our minds, the scriptures we read and the ideas that present themselves. She encouraged us to pay attention to that voice…that whisper. And the more we listen, the more we will hear.

I have talked about getting a two by four between the eyes before here and here.  Those moments were not lost on me. God was speaking to me and it was pretty clear. What I am not so good about is taking time routinely to stop and listen in my daily life. I am not so good about paying attention to the simple, little nudges I get. When you do not slow your mind down enough to even notice the nudge, it is very hard to determine where that nudge is coming from. Are those nudges from God? Or is it something some random person said… something I want… something I saw on TV… or an idea from a friend? The speaker talked about verifying those nudges and whispers against scripture, with friends who know God, etc.  Then when you have verified that the nudge is from God, take a leap of faith and act on it. God has something in store for you.

Soccer Girl had no idea what I had just heard and experienced over the previous three days. She did not know I have been thinking about listening to God. So while her response appeared tongue in cheek, maybe God planted some seed in her mind, some nudge. Maybe He did tell her cut their hair? Maybe He told her to joke with me to send me a nudge to listen and act of the nudges He gives me.

The Invisible Women

That is exactly what has been gnawing at me. I feel invisible. I have labeled it lately to Chief as feeling ignored… invisible.


Nicole Johnson is an author, performer and motivational speaker. She creates skits to portray women and their struggles and challenges. I saw her once at the Women of Faith conference and she was wonderful. While I did not see this skit in person, I have seen it in the past and it resonated with me then. But, I it just resonated with me big time. I know it is not a coincidence I ran into it again now. Take six minutes and watch.

I have wanted acknowledgement that raising three kids is hard and I am underappreciated. It is a great sacrifice to be a parent. It is an honor to be my children’s mother. And, yes it is underappreciated in the day to day moments of mothering. It is a thankless job. I think intellectually most people know these things when they become a parent. Any parent would sacrifice their life for their child. What is difficult is how that sacrifice plays out in the day to day walk of everyday life… the homework monitoring, the struggle to clean the house, the soccer practice routine, the paper hoarding of a seven year old, and the dents in the wall from thrown toys.

Where I have steered off the path is that I should not expect thanks. It is not my children’s job to pat me on the back and say thanks for doing their laundry. It is my job let them know in everything I do that they are loved no matter what, regardless of the thanks or acknowledgement I get. My selfishness will not accomplish that. My responsibility is to build the best people I can… build the character of these little people entrusted to me… all without thanks, acknowledgment or atta boys.


On Nicole’s website freshbrewedlife.com and in the video, she speaks of a book about the great cathedrals.  After reading the book the following four life-changing truths emerged and after which she would pattern her work [of raising children]:

1. No one can say who built the great cathedrals – we have no records of their names
2. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished
3. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit
4. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything

She goes on to say “As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we’re doing it right. And one day it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, [but] at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.”

I do not want a record of what I have done and I do not want credit. I want my kids to come home.

Be Still

A friend posted “be still” on Facebook yesterday.  I so needed to hear that.  “Be still, and know that I am God…”  Palms 46:10

What does that mean really?  To me, it means shut up and let God worry about it.  To me it means, I can worry all I want, but it won’t change the plan.  It means that I have yet to fully believe God has it handled.

I have been feeling overwhelmed, inadequate and just plain tired.  I basically feel like I am not doing anything very well.  Negative thoughts run through my head and I have a “poor me, look how hard I have it” attitude that is spilling out to my family in a not so nice way.  I worry that my kids will hate me… how to manage Lizard’s six month gluten free diet… that my husband will finally chuck me to the curb because I can’t seem to get it together… that Little Man will stop asking me to play with him if I tell him too many times “not right now”… that my house will crumble around us because we do not ever do the maintenance you should do on an eight year old house… and Soccer Girl needs braces… and Lizard has a cavity… I need a crown and probably carpal tunnel surgery… hmmm, can I just get off the ride for awhile?  I am physically tired, I mean really tired.  My brain can’t do it all.

How do people do it?  How can they be still?  How do you actually turn your worries over to God.  My problems are minor in comparison to what some go through.  It should be easy for me to be still.  But it is not.  It feels like I should just handle my own woes myself and quit bellying aching to God; God should spend his time on those with the big things (cancer, death, no food to eat).  But, I know that is not what God wants or what the bible says.  

So I will continue to work on being still.  Our women's retreat is coming up in April.  Guess what the theme is?… Being still.

God's Big Screen

A friend posted something on Facebook the other day about how we should live our lives as if we were movie stars with God as the paparazzi.  Now there is a thought.  One could argue that movie stars are not always the model citizens or ones that we should look to pattern our lives after.  But if I lived my life like someone was always watching my actions, how would I behave differently?

Then someone commented on my friend's Facebook post, "The sad and scary truth is that we will all be shown the DVDs of our sins.  I guarantee as fun as they "seemed" to be the first time around, [they] sure won't look as pretty on God's giant screen."  Wow.  I immediately thought of that scene in Monsters Inc. when Sully saw a video of himself scaring a child.  He was shocked at how he appeared and what he was showing the world…. something completely opposite of his true self.

I feel that way.  If my life where played for me on a big screen would I be shocked?  I think I would be.  What would I look like when I discipline my kids?  What would I look like when I think I am so busy, I can't remember to send a note to a friend who has been on my mind?  What would I look like when I make a choice out of convenience instead of out of pure service to another?

That comment about God's big screen hit me between the eyes.  Someone is always watching me - God.  He knows my motives, the thoughts running through my head.  I have to say, I would not be proud to sit next to God and watch some of the things that play on my DVD.

Awhile back, I ran across a YouTube video by Francis Chan, that speaks to the idea.  What will God say when I am standing before him?

I know God is trying to hammer an idea home to me.  I have learned that when the same idea, verse, book suggestion or thoughts come up again and again, He is telling me something.  I am listening.

My Walk

Last week while surfing some of the blogs I follow, I came across a story of a 38 year old women in Denver, Joanne, who had a massive stroke.  Her nine year old daughter found her.  She is just now starting to come off the drugs that have kept her in a deep coma (essentially no brain activity) to help keep the swelling down in her brain (she also endured surgery to remove part of her skull to alleviate the pressure).  Her husband has been posting on her blog.  Her future is uncertain and they have no idea of the extent of her brain damage.

I have never read her blog before this.  From reading through her posts, I am sorry I did not discover her sooner.  I think I would have really enjoyed getting to "know" her through her writing.  She seems to be a honest writer, loves Jesus and her kids.  She seems to have a sense of humor and from her pictures, seems alive.  She has written a few books so I just might have to add one or two to my 2011 reading list.

I have read about other heartbreaking events through the blogging world.  Things that make you stop in your tracks and give thanks to God for the blessings in my life.  But for some reason, I can not seem to stop thinking about her and what her family… her two young girls (9 and 12) and her husband must be going through.   I can not imagine the emotional struggle they must be enduring.  For some reason her story has hit a cord with me.

It is her age.  38.  38.  That is five years younger than me.  It is her girls.  I have two of my own, not far from her daughter's ages.  It is the suddenness.  One minute she is running on her treadmill and the next minute her life has been forever changed.  It is the sadness for her girls for the Mom they knew that is possibly gone forever, while still being here physically.  It is an incredible sympathy for her husband and how his life partner was suddenly taken from him.  It is all those things and probably lots more.

It has really made me think.  How would I handle such an event?  Are our "affairs" in order so that Chief could handle the day to day home management easily?  I have heard more than once, that it is the logistics of a tragedy that are often the hardest to get a handle on intitially… What bills need to be paid?  Where are the bills?  What is the doctor's phone numbers?  Does Chief have our friends phone numbers to call in an emergency to help with the kids?  Where is our will?  Where are our medical directives?  Are they still accurate?

The other thing that has struck me much deeper than that, is my walk with Christ.  I do not know if I would grow closer to God or run in the opposite direction.  I am afraid to admit, I think I would run… or at least a slow mental walk away from Him… I think.  I think I would get so stuck on the "why" of it, I would not see past the hurt, emotion and loss.

Friends of ours were involved in a car accident five years ago.  Their oldest daughter who had just turned seven died and her Mom, my friend, was severely injured.  I turned closer to God at that time.  The only thought I had was "there has to be some purpose for this" and only God could answer what that was.  I still do not know and will never know until I reach heaven.  It was during that time that I "cried" out to God to let my friend come back to her family.  I was sitting in her hospital room watching her sleep, listening to the moans and cries for help of a patient down the hall. It was a short prayer in my head but so direct I remember exactly what I "said" to God.  He heard me.  That was the only time I have truly felt his presence.  God was in that room with me.  I have felt peace from God other times and said many heartfelt prayers, but that is the one time He was present with me.

That gives me some comfort to know that I was not angry with God in that situation.  But, while I was close to my friend, I did not lose my daughter.  I did not "lose" my husband to a massive stroke.  I pray that if ever faced with something like that personally, I would feel God's presence.  I am afraid that one never knows until you personally are in that situation.   Joanne's husband wrote a very thought provoking post about this very subject that I think is worth reading.  I pray that I could honestly write such a post if I were in his shoes.

Last spring during bible study there was a discussion on walking with God during the plateaus in your life so that when you are in a valley you turn to Him.  I am not sure my daily walk would get me through the valleys, especially a long valley.   I want it to.

My challenge is to grow in my relationship with God so I know without a doubt I would not run if tragedy struck.  My challenge is to do the work it takes to be in a relationship, not just attending church.  People have told me to write down the times you know God is working in your life so you can recall them when you are in the valley.  Good advice.  I guess a blog is a good place for that.

Sweet

Who knew how sweet my Girl's Night Out (GNO) time would be?  A group of five or six friends began meeting once a month about a year and half ago.  The group has grown to eight and we have already lost one friend when she and her family moved to Iowa.  We miss you A!

It all started with a friend of mine asking me and one other person to start this group, we each then thought of one or two friends and here we are 1.5 years later.  The only criteria was that those that joined the group attended our church.  The focus was on friendship and helping each other grow in our faith.

These women have become dear friends that have made me laugh, think and grow in my faith.  We don't spend our time with our noses in the bible and praying.  We talk about our families, kids, work, parenting and some other fun topics that I will not mention here.  Wink, wink.  But the underlying theme to our time together, at least for me, is supporting one another and helping us grow spiritually and as women, wife and Moms.

Last year at our December GNO, we talked about reading through the bible in a year together.  And, for those that completed it by December 31, 2010, we would be rewarded with a GNO weekend away...just us, with no kids or responsibilities.   This has been one of the most challenging things I have done for my faith.  I have read parts of the bible, but never the whole thing.  It has been an act of discipline for sure… it is very hard to keep on schedule with "life" getting in the way.  And, I have 1.5 months to read by the end of the month.  But, I will get it done.  I made the commitment to the group and to myself.  I can not say I am retaining it all, especially now that I am under the gun.  But, it has been such a great experience, good for my kids to see me reading my bible and so nice to read scripture for myself instead of relying on a bible study or sermon to guide me.

I would have NEVER done this on my own.  I would have never stuck with it without these ladies (and the thought of the weekend away!).  It is amazing what a group of women who's only common denominator was attending the same church.  While we are all in somewhat of the same stage of life with our families and kids, we are all different ages (hmmm, and yes, I am the oldest the bunch), different family backgrounds, education, faith experiences, etc.

These women as so special to me and it has been exciting to see our friendships grow and how much deeper we can share things that matter to us.  No one judges, no one tries to one up each other.  We just listen, support, laugh and share.  So refreshing in this day and age.

So GNOs… if you are reading this, know that you mean the world to me.  God Bless.  

It Has Been Awhile...

I can not believe I have not posted anything since the beginning of September.  It has been a crazy few months with lots of changes for us.

The biggest change is that I started another part time job!  It was one of the first resumes I sent out and I got the job.  It was truly a "careful what you wish for" type of feeling.  I can not believe with how many people out there looking for work right now, I got it.  I feel very blessed.  It is part time Monday-Friday in the mornings only…. I am back home by 1 o'clock.  Mondays are long though since I moved my other part time job to the afternoon.  And also on Monday I do my third part time job after the kids go to sleep.  But overall, I like the people and the job.  I am using my brain which is a very good thing.  And, it has added a cushion to our budget which was the desired result.

It is funny, the hardest thing I struggled with was having to move Little Man from his preschool to a whole new day care/preschool set up.  He did really well with his old preschool teacher despite how much of a challenge he could be.  I could have pieced together care for him during the week and keep him there, but he would have had four different care givers during the week.  And that would have only been through the end of the year.  That was not going to work on many levels, but most importantly, it was not fair to him to shuttle him around so much.  So we made the decision to make a complete change.

It has been the best move for him.  He LOVES his new preschool and teacher.  Just yesterday when I picked him up, we were walking out to the car and he said "I just love this place."  Oh Little Man, I do too!  While he has had some difficulties, he has not seemed to struggle with behaving like he did at his old preschool.  They see how smart he is and what a sense of humor he has.  They see him positively, not negatively.  I so need to hear that when it comes to my Little Man.

Since I pick him up after all the other kids that are still there have gone down for rest/nap time, he has to sit at a table and quietly play and wait for me.  I thought this would be a big negative.  But it has turned out to be wonderful for him.  He is getting about 30-40 minutes of one on one time with a teacher, sometimes two!  He is coloring, practicing his letter and using flash cards.

And, he is at a home daycare on Mondays with a wonderful loving, Christian women from our church.  He can snuggle on the couch if he needs too.  And, she also does formalized preschool activities with the kids so he is getting five days a week of "education."  Fabulous.

The girls are enjoying their new found responsibility of getting themselves to school.  They have worked together well and Soccer Girl has really stepped up to look out for Lizard.  They have surprised me.  They are doing the chores I leave for them and getting their reading done all before school.  Yah for responsible children!

It is funny how everything fell into place and the timing of it all.  The location, the hours, Little Man's care, the girls stepping up...The answer to prayer is not lost on me.

The other fun thing that has happened is the number of photography jobs I have gotten.  I have done five senior portraits sessions in the last three months and have a family session coming up this weekend.  I love it!  I has been hard to balance the time commitment it takes in editing the photos with all that has been going on.  But it really has been fun.  I see my photography as a fun creative outlet for me, a much needed service for people looking for good affordable photographs (did you know that senior pictures can cost upwards of a $1000… can you believe someone would pay that and that someone would have the nerve to charge that?!) and something that earns us some extra spending money.  A win-win-win!

As I am getting use to the new schedule, I think I will be back to posting more often.  I have lots rattling around in my brain that I think needs to be written… thoughts on working more and how that impacts me and how I view myself as a Mom, updates on Little Man, making things a priority that should be…. lots in my brain.  I am feeling a little less frazzled so I think I can begin to formulate my thoughts so I can document this time.  After all, the name of my blog is "simply capturing life" so I should do that, capture our life.