Thankful: Day 20, 21, 22, 23, 24 & 25

Day 20:  Having a excellent (and funny) OB/GYN doctor to care for me and deliver ALL three of my children.  My OB is going to phase out of daily office care and be solely focused on hospital care for his practice's patients.  This was probably the last time I will see him.  He choked up when he said good-bye saying he will be miss being a part of people's families.

Day 21:  My Dad being healthy and able to travel up for Thanksgiving.

Day 22:  Being a Mom.  I became a Mom 13 years ago today.  The hardest job ever, but also the most amazing job ever.

Day 23:  NOT heading out for Black Friday sales.  I understand the deals people find, but I'd rather spend time at home with my family.

Day 24:  Knowing that Chief and I are on the same page when it comes to big life philosophy type things … the ones that mean the most at the end of your life.  

Day 25:  Finally being able to go to church as a family again.  Activities mess with our schedule A LOT so it feels good to be able to go again regularly, at least for now.

Right or Wrong

I am sitting here at almost midnight finishing up some emails that I have been trying to get out all week.  My mind drifts to tomorrow, back to our doctor's appointment Tuesday, back over the last three years.  I try to focus on the emails I need to get out while it is quiet and no distractions.  But, the thoughts are there, turning in my mind and occasionally in my stomach.   

Chief and I have made a difficult decision regarding Little Man.  We have decided to do a trial of medication to help address his ADHD.  This was not a decision made lightly or without a lot of prayer.  And while I know there are many opinions on the use of medication, no opinion matters except mine, Chief's and our doctor's.  

Little Man has continued to struggle in school.  His behavior has impacted his social interactions and friendships.  His behavior significantly impacts our family on a daily basis limiting what we do and where we go.  He is more and more surrounded by negative comments, frustration and heartache.  While we have not seen too much of a negative impact on his self-esteem so far, we are starting to see glimpses of it now in his comments and reaction to things others say about him.  We can foresee the path he is on if we do not do something different.  We have been through the natureopath, pediatric behaviorist and psychologist.  And while they have all provide guidance and useful tools and information, nothing has drastically altered Little Man's path.  In fact as he gets older, his path has gotten bumpier.

So the decision has been made and it is the right decision at this time.  But as a mom, I still worry and struggle.  Are we doing the right thing? What if he really does not have ADHD and he is just really difficult or "all boy" as I hear so often?  Is this medication going to change his personality?  I have failed him.  It feels like we are just using medication so we can like being around him and make things easier.  Will kids make fun of him if they learn he has to take medication to be "good"?  Will he still make the "whoo, whoo, whoo" sound as he rides his bike outside?  Did we try hard enough on an altered diet and the parenting techniques?  I could go on and on… so many things have flown around in my mind for weeks, months and years.  But worry is fear.  Worry is negative energy and we have had enough of that around here.  I just want peace and to see a glimpse of what is possible for my Little Man.  

As I grind up his medication for the first time tomorrow, I will pray for God's peace in all this… for me to feel God's hand on my shoulder and for Little Man to feel His hand too.   

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, 

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, 

plans to give you hope and a future."  

Jeremiah 29:11

Where Have I been?

Well, it seems I have commitment issues.  Mentally I committed to blogging more regularly… ahhh nope.  I committed here to Jon Acoff's FinishYear idea and updating regulary… ahh, nope again.  


But wow, the end of the school year hit, we have traveled, I committed to take on the team manager role for my daughter's soccer team (which is way more than coming up with a snack schedule and team party) and I started a new business.  It really has been a whirlwind of a few months.  So here is a simplified recap of the last few months:


1.  We moved my Mom to a dementia care facility at the end of April.  What a surreal thing to do.  She, in God's mercy, was at a point in her disease that she did not really recognize the move.  She has agitated and sad at first, but now seems comfortable and safe.  My Dad has been her safety net and thankfully the caregivers have become that for her.  Honestly the most difficult part is to see the transition for my Dad.  He is on his own in almost 50 years.  His wife is gone as if she has died, but she is still here living among us.  Dad is making his way, getting out and doing things he has not been able to do for quite awhile.  My only regret is I don't live closer.
2.  We traveled to California as a family to see my nephew graduate.  It was a really quick trip - lots of driving, but it was good to see my mom and the family.
3.  I took Soccer Girl to Seattle for a soccer tournament.  I am so thankful that Chief's parents came to help out with Little Man and Lizard.  Oh my what a chaotic trip it would have been if I had to take them with us.  It was good to travel with just Soccer Girl.  But there was no alone time.  Maybe another trip…
4.  I came across Wildtree a few months ago while surfing the Internet.  I had never heard of this company before.  After I clicked over to their website I was intrigued.  Wildtree is a direct sell company with an all natural food line that are made WITHOUT dyes, preservatives, fillers, MSG or high fructose corn syrup.  They allow you to make healthy homemade meals in the fraction of the time.  I mentioned what I discovered to Chief and wondered if this was something I could get into.  What is in our food has been a topic of interest of mind for some time… especially since we have had a gluten free diet for Lizard and have to watch food dyes and high fructose corn syrup for Little Man.  I pondered if the home party business was for me and kind of put it out of my mind.  Then within a two week time frame I can across Wildtree two more times, completely unrelated to the first time I had discovered it.  I was paying attention now God.  I contacted the company and after tasting some of their products I jumped in.  I am an official Wildtree Representative.  I am really excited about this opportunity.  It is a way to help people focus on healthy homemade food… I am excited about cooking again.  I can help people make easy meals that taste great without all the junk the food companies put into our normal grocery store items.  Plus there is a potential to add to our monthly finances from home... which is a must for me.  So click over to my website and take a look.  Let me know what you'd like to try.  I know you won't be disappointed. 


So those are the highlights.  I'll try my best to update more regularly.  And, I'll revamp my FinishYear goals.

Be Safe

Soccer Girl leaves for outdoor school tomorrow.  Three nights and four days away from home.  This is the first time she has been away from home that long without mom and dad.  No cell phones, no texting, no iTouches, nothing electronic.  My heart would feel better with one text from her that she arrived safely.  She is not too nervous, but did say this morning she doesn't really want to go.  So grown up, but still so little.  I am OK right now, but I think by Wednesday I might be just a wee but bit anxious.

I have faith she will make smart decisions, follow the rules and have fun.  From what friends have told me who went as a kid, it is memory she will have forever.  She will learn a ton and experience life without mom and dad, at least a little bit.  I pray she has an amazing week and stays safe not only physically but mentally and spiritually.  And my secret prayer is for to come home with a renewed gratefulness for her family.

The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous man runs into it and is safe.

Proverbs 18:10

Intentional Parenting

I tend to be a reactive parent.  I strive to be intentional.  I work hard at learning and educating my kids in the ways of the world.  But unfortunately, I succumb to the tiredness and frustration and don't have the finest parenting moments a lot of times.  Like I blow my top when the dishes are put in the sink instead of the dishwasher for the 10th time that day (come on people, it is right next to the sink!).  Or I promise myself that I am going to play with Little Man instead of letting Legos entertain him for an hour after he gets home from preschool… but I succumb to the quiet the Legos provide and then feel guilty.  Not the finest parenting moments for sure.

But, I am proud to say I had a good, intentional, teachable moment with Soccer Girl last week.  While sitting at swimming lessons for Little Man and Lizard, I asked to see her cell phone.  I routinely spot check her phone, contacts and text messages.  She is fully aware of this and often it is done in a fun way after we have talked about some particular text she told me about.  Her reaction was out of character… she said "well Mom, I deleted {insert name of boy who likes her} texts so you could not read them."  I asked why and she said, again uncharacteristically, "well there are way more things going on than you know about."  This was said in a very disrespectful tone and again VERY uncharacteristic of Soccer Girl.  I simply said "give me your phone" and I put in my purse.

I kept my mouth shut for quite awhile.  I will pause here, because this is HUGE for me.  I normal ramble on and on making my point.  But, I wisely kept my mouth shut.  After a little bit, I asked what is going on that I do not know about.  She said that {insert boy who likes her} had texted her that he "loved her."  She said it was in a joking manner over a week ago and was not a big deal.  I asked her if it was not a big deal, why did she feel the need to delete her text?  Silence.  I then went on to say that the tone in which she spoke to me is unacceptable and that what he texted her was not appropriate.  I will pause here to say this boy is a good kid, very respectful and upfront with his parents and knows Chief and I are aware of his fondness for Soccer Girl.

So we finished up swimming, showered, and stopped at the store to get a few things.  I remained silent and did not comment or reprimand.  Again, HUGE for me.  Soccer Girl knew the seriousness of what was going on since my reaction was so out of character for me.  On the way home, Soccer Girl began to cry in the seat next to me and looked out the window.  I simply rubbed her back for a few minutes and again kept my trap shut.

The whole time I am talking with myself…. how are you going to handle this one?  What is making you so mad?  Is it that this boy said I love you or that she hide the text?  Is that she was so disrespectful?  It came down to trust.  I have never questioned Soccer Girl.  She has never given us any reason to not trust her.  That was the bottom line.  I was a bit peeved at the I love you statement.  But honestly, her actions were untrustworthy and that did not sit well with me.

After getting Little Man to bed, I talked with Soccer Girl.  We talked about what our actions tell people about ourselves and what our actions say to the other person about what you think of them.  I explained her actions told me I may not be able to trust her.  We talked about with trust comes freedom.  I also told her that the manner in which she spoke to me was disrespectful and told me that she did not think I have any idea what is going on with her or kids her age.  I explained I was not mad about what he texted (although it was totally inappropriate and raises questions in our minds about him); it was the manner in which she chose to handle herself.

We went on to talk about when she is with her friends, when she does/says something OR does not do/does not say something, she is sending a message to them about her values.  She needs to convey her values, what she believes is right and wrong in everything she does.  We talked about it not being easy, even for an adult.  But it is so important that her friends know where her "line in the sand" is.  This is a phrase we have used for a long time.  We have talked about why some parents let their kids watch movies we would not let her watch…. their line in the sand is different then ours.  We have used this in reference to music or ability to do certain things… it is all based on where our line stands.  So she knows what a "line in the sand" means.  We talked about if your friends don't honor your line, they are not a true friend.  But you have to let them know what is OK and what is not OK… where you stand.

Overall, we had a really good discussion.  I think she got what I was trying to explain to her.  She is smart like that.  And, I did not ramble.  I did not drone on and on.  We had a discussion and I think I set the tone for the teen years and how important trust is in our  relationship.  At least I pray I did.

The Gift of a Blog Post

There are many blog posts that I read in my travels that have great information, a funny story or a thought provoking viewpoint.  But every once in awhile, there is some posts that are written TO me.  FOR ME.. and about what is in my heart.  A blog post over at Momastery the other day is one such post.  I only recently came across this blog through a good friend posting a link on facebook.  There have been quite a few gems in just a week or so (I haven't even had a chance to read her archives!).  In fact, I even took the time to read a few posts to Chief - again, some were thought provoking and some funny.  But the post the other day, was FOR ME at exactly the right moment.  To read "my" post, go here.


I have written about Little Man's struggles many times.  I know logically in my head that he is wonderfully made and it is the world that needs to adjust.  But, is has been a struggle for me to really believe that... deep down.  That is hard to admit.  I know there are many kids who struggle much more than my son.  I feel a little selfish and dramatic feeling what I do at times and saying how hard it it.  But it is.  I have parented two other kids who are "model" children.  So in contract, Little Man's challenges are big to me.  They are difficult and they are embarrassing.  


Glennon's post said everything I have been feeling so beautifully.  Here are a few excerpts:


"Every child is gifted and talented. Every single one. "   


"... if we are patient and calm... and we keep believing, we will eventually see the specific magic of each child."

"We have to actually believe that our kids are okay.


I know. Tough. But we can do it. We can start believing by erasing the idea that education is a race. It’s not. Actually, education is like Christmas. We’re all just opening our gifts, one at a time. And it is a fact that each and every child has a bright shiny present with her name on it, waiting there underneath the tree. God wrapped it up, and He’ll let us know when it’s time to unwrap it. In the meantime, we must believe that our children are okay. Every last one of them. The perfect ones and the naughty ones and the chunky ones and the shy ones and the loud ones and the so far behind ones and the ones with autism.


Because here’s what I believe. I think a child can survive a teacher or other children accidentally suggesting that he’s not okay. As long as when he comes home, he looks at his mama and knows by her face that he really is."

WOW.  

Having just received the official ADHD diagnosis, I have been thinking a lot about shifting my mind set.  Little Man is not TRYING to be naughty, defiant or difficult.  He wants to have friends and please us and his teacher.  I am thankful that he is young enough to not realize the impact of his struggles on others and himself.  We are praying we can help him learn to manage himself before he sees things clearly and how his behavior impacts him socially and academically.  

I want him to know he is okay... deep in his soul.  And that starts with me believing, deep in my soul that he is okay and will be okay.  

I pray that he knows he is okay... no matter what he does or says.  He has so many things to show the world.  It is my hope and prayer that he and I can say to the world some day "told you so."  

Time Does Fly!

Well, that was an unplanned break!  I can not believe over a month has gone since I last posted.  Honestly, I had lots of thoughts to write down last month.  I think I even sat down a few times to start a post and then got pulled away for some reason.  But, time does fly, especially when you are not looking...

So I am going to resort to a good old bullet type list to catch this blog up to date:

1.  I am back to working one morning a week.  My "free" time without kids last month was taken up with Christmas stuff - gift buying, trip planning and other such stuff.  It has been a very good thing to be home more again.  I think everyone is happier (except maybe the bank account).  I feel more like myself again.

Now that the New Year is here, I am trying to get a groove going.  I don't want to waste time.  I want to be intentional.  I need to focus on adding some more work to my schedule (consulting and/or some other avenue), but I am looking for a flexible from home set up.  Our family needs me home.  That is one thing I know.  

2.  We spent Christmas in Sunriver - just the five of us.  It was heaven!  We love our extended families to death.  We all get along, don't fight or have much underlying tension I hear some families have.  We have a good time playing games, eating and all that fun stuff.  But we have either hosted family or traveled (and all the house hopping that entails) every Christmas our ENTIRE marriage.  We have never had Christmas morning with just us.  It was waaaayyyy overdue.

We ate easy meals, I read a whole book in three days, the kids ran around and did what they wanted without too much correction from us to settle down, we went on bike rides, walks (hmmm, yah… there was NO snow!!!  I am still ticked about that), went in the hot tub and just enjoyed being together with no schedule or food to have done at a certain time.  It was a much needed refresher for our family.

3.  Lizard is starting speech intervention at school this week.  The crazy kid sounds like she is from Boston.  She was in early intervention for speech articulation in preschool.  When she was tested in Kindergarten, she did not "qualify" for intervention.  We have however, been watching her "R" sounds for quite awhile and while they were better in Kindergarten, they have slowly gotten worse over the years.  She is excited about fixing her sound.  Poor thing was upset about getting assigned the number "four" jersey in basketball.  She was upset that she would have tell people she was "four" and not be able to say it right because of her "R" sound.

4.  Soccer Girl is doing great in school.  She made honor roll!  Oh my...  The middle school drama.  She is not actually "in" the drama, but is having a great time telling me all about it… who likes who, who does what, who has changed, who she thinks is headed for trouble and all that.  She said to me after her first day back at school from break, "Mom, big news at school.  So and So (name removed to protect the innocent) got her eyebrows fixed."  Oh my, to be twelve!  She has been very open with us about the one boy (who she has know since Kindergarten) who likes her.  He is a good kid and very nice so I am not too worried… at least so far.

It is interesting how the boy thing works now days.  Texting has added a whole new level of communication between young kids.  When I was twelve, a boy had to get up the nerve and call you.  Now, they can just text you… at 10 o'clock at night.  Heaven help us!

5.  Little Man.  While there are times I could just eat him because he is so sweet and kind, there are other times, I could ring his neck.  We met with his teacher in December and received some sobering information, not surprising... but sobering nonetheless.  And, we have begun working with a psychologist.  She has diagnosed him with ADHD - hyperactive/impulsive.  We are not surprised since we have had so many issues for so long, but we don't believe it to some extent because the questionnaires we completed are just a snap shot in time.  And he does not "look" like the typical ADHD kid who hangs from the rafters.  But, any "diagnosis" for your child is hard to accept, I guess.  So we are starting our journey… I will obviously post more as we learn more and work out a plan.

6.  I turned 44.  Neat.

That, I think, are the highlights of the last month.  I am glad to ring in a new year with all the possibilities.

Back to School

Well, the kids have been back to school for a month and I am just getting around to this post.  Yah.  Ahh… it has been hectic to say the least.

Little Man is in 4's preschool at the same school and class.  So his "back to school" was pretty uneventful.  He has the same teachers he has had since last June.  There are a group of new kids and he has done fairly well adjusting.  He has good days and bad days.  He has a really hard sharing his "show and share" toy so recently he has been "banned" from participating for awhile until he can demonstrate he can share.  We will give a whirl in a few weeks.

We are still tackling his behavior issues going through good patches and rough ones.  I texted a friend last week that we have been firmly in Holland for several days.  It is hard to admit but I always dread walking into his school because I do not know how the day has gone.  I breath a sigh of relief when I round the first corner and can see that Little Man is not in the director's office.  Then I take a deep breath of relief if I do not have to sign an incident report.  I did not really realize I felt that way until recently.  It has been happening for a long time, but I did not recognize my thoughts where consistent each time I pulled up.  Sad but true.

I am a work in progress.  I fail miserably embracing all that makes up my Little Man.  It pains me that I struggle with him in public.  That pain makes me alter my plans so I do not have to deal with the frustration I feel and looks I receive.  Some days I can embrace his challenges and hold my head high.  Other days, I can not.  A work in progress… still.

Lizard is in third grade.  She is with two of her best buddies and loves her teacher.  She has slide into the school year with almost no hiccups.  And, what I love best about this year, is that I altered my morning schedule so I can take her to school.  She and I drop off Little Man at preschool and then I drive her to school.  We usually have about 10 minutes until she can go into school.  So we wait in the car… just the two of us.  Sometime we talk about serious stuff and other times we just kid around.  I love it.

She is cheer leading at the football games.  She loves it and maybe has finally found her thing.  She is taking it seriously and we all have the cheers stuck in our head from her practicing at home.  "Go Knights!"  She is also signed up for basketball in the winter… all 45 pounds of her!

Soccer Girl is in 6th grade - a middle schooler!  She really was not too nervous before school started, just wondering about the volume of homework in store for her.  On the first day, I took the morning off and drove her to school.  When I told her it was time to go, she said a very nervous "oh man" and looked at me with pleading eyes.  But my big girl gathered up her stuff and took a deep breath, gave me a kiss and got out of the car.  She walked with her head high into the school.

She has adjusted very well.  I think the biggest adjustment has been the social activity… all the who likes who, who is mad at who now stuff.  She has stayed away from it, but seems to like to be in the know.  Luckily she will tell me who likes her, what so and so did or said.  I pray that communication continues as the years pass.

So overall the start of the school year has been good.  Just busy.  I have an hour with Little Man before Lizard gets home, then an hour with the two of them before Soccer Girl arrives.  Then typically we need to be at some activity within the next hour.  It makes for very hectic weeks.  Lots of quick dinners and not much down time.  Our little family needs down time so we are trying to work that in and say no when we need to to get it.  Like the other night, I had plans to go out to dinner with two good friends.  It was a rough day - everyone yelling and fighting - so I bowed out of the dinner at the last minute and stayed with my family.  It was the right thing to do.  

Back in Holland Again Today

I am not sure how I feel about this.  Today Little Man had a teacher with him one on one all day at preschool.  He moved up to the 4's room at the end of June.  He is learning to navigate the big boy room even though he had spent some time in the 4s room over the last 8 months.

Little Man is very impulsive, especially in public situations and around other kids.  He angers very quickly and has trouble keeping his hands to himself and responding appropriately when he is not pleased with someone else or something.  Miss K talked to me about what she did with him and how he responded (he did well with lots of encouragement) and I told her how much he likes to ne a helper.  She let me know he had to go the Director's office, Miss T (not his first time).  Miss K also told me he is incredibly smart for his age (kind of freaky smart - my words, not hers); which is something I have been told by many people.  Overall it was a good discussion and reaffirmed for me that he is in the right place and appreciated for who he is, while being guided properly.

I felt compelled to let her know he has two older sisters (she said she would have guessed he had older brothers).  She told me Miss T let her know we are aware of the issues he has and that we are working on his anger.  I felt compelled to let her know we have been working with a pediatric behaviorists.   I guess I was trying to tell her we are not rookie parents coddling an out of control, mean child.  I was trying to justify my parenting and express to her that we understand the challenges.

After never having any major behavior/parenting issues with the girls, this is a very humbling place to be.  Tears stung my eyes as we left the building.  As my blond hair boy bounced happily to the car, I was holding back tears and looking up and crying out in my heart "why."  It is very troubling to me that a preschool age child, MY preschool age child… MY little boy… needed one on one guidance for the bulk of his five hour day at school.  This is not a daily occurrence.  But for it to occur at all crushes me… angers me... humbles me… and leaves me pondering Little Man's 14 or so years of schooling ahead of us.

I know Little Man is made perfectly.  It is me who needs to adjust my thinking, my perceptions, my expectations.  It is me who needs to appreciate him for who he is and what he can show me through these challenges.  There is a story that runs through my mind at times like this.  It is a reminder to me that if I am constantly justifying myself, joking about his behavior to shadow my embarrassment in public and not embracing him for who he is all the time, not just when he is sweet; I will miss out on so much.  I don't want to miss out.

Here is the story…

Welcome to Holland by Emily Perl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability- to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this…

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip -to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.” "Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around… and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills… and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandt's.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy…and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very, very significant loss.

But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely hings …about Holland.

God's Hands

We are in a very rough stretch with Little Man.  Very rough.  We had a good stretch for awhile, but the last few months have been deteriorating and the last few weeks have been bad.  We are truly at a loss how to parent him through this.  Calls are being made and a plan of attack is underway.  We can not continue this way.  I can not.  He can not.  It is affecting him deeply - you can see it in his eyes.  It is impacting our family.  I am pissed, sad, exhausted, frustrated and feel guilty most of the time.   That is no way to live.  I can only imagine the emotions he is feeling.   

He and I said prayers last night and asked God to help him make good decisions.  We talked about when he gets mad at school or home to close his eyes and ask God to help him.  And this morning when I asked him what he could do when he gets mad, he said “pray to God.”  We said another prayer this morning while he was eating breakfast.  And guess what?  Little Man had a better morning today.  He only had a few minor blow ups and only punched Lizard a few times, but he was able to get himself under control.  And he did not argue about the toys I said he could not take to school.  He got himself in the car and was generally happy. 

For some reason we were downstairs early this morning so we had extra time.  I even commented to the girls – why are we all so early this morning?  On the way to drop Little Man off at school, my neighbor texted me saying she was going to request that Lizard and her daughter be placed together next year and asked if that was ok?  I texted her back and said I wanted to do the same thing.  Well guess what?  The form was due today and I had no idea… I knew it was coming up and had thought about requesting that the girls be together.  But not being in the school very much now that I am working more, I am out of the loop and miss stuff.  Her text came at just the right time.  Since we were early this morning, I had time to go to the school, find the form, get it turned in and still got to work on time. 

Ok, how can I not think God had His hands in the events of this morning?  We truly went to Him in prayer last night and He worked things out to take care of our kids today… Little Man with his issues (at least for this morning) and Lizard to help foster her friendship with our neighbor.  One that is very good for her. 

Now, some might say I am a Jesus freak, but I tell you… I can not miss that things go better when I pray.  I  found my wedding ring about 1 minute after I FINALLY said a prayer… when I finally prayed about all the mud slinging that recently occurred, I felt better.  Things happen and God is beside me when I pray.  Pretty hard for anyone to miss that today.  

The road with Little Man is going to be long, but at least for a little while today, I could see hope.   

I Think I am Part of the "Club"

I was at a birthday party with Little Man for one of his little friends from preschool.  The other moms were all there because you can’t just drop off 3 and 4 years olds and have a few hours to yourself like you can with an 8 or 11 year old!  As I was driving there, I was secretly hoping I could just drop Little Man off (he was with his preschool teacher after all – it was her daughter’s birthday) and head to TJ Maxx for some retail therapy, but no such luck!  Anyway, as we were sitting around chatting in between juice box spills, one mom asked me “don’t you have an older daughter?”  When I said I have an 11 year old daughter and another daughter who is almost 8, several of the moms, not just the one that had asked, said “oh” and “wow.”  I even heard an audible in take of breath from several of them.

Thinking back as a mom of just a toddler and maybe a newborn, when I saw those moms that had older kids, they seemed like members of another “club” that I could not belong to.  I only knew about the cost per diaper, feeding schedules and when my child hit the milestones versus the “What to Expect” books.  They knew something I did not.  They had the wisdom of years of parenting that you do not know when your kids are young.  I think the oldest child any of the moms at the party had was 4 years old. 

I guess in other people’s view, I am part of the “club” of older-wiser parents… or maybe they are shocked by the age span of my kids… or maybe I am just old and they can’t fathom how someone my age can parent a preschooler all the way up to an almost middle school-er?  LOL.  Whatever it is, I definitely felt the eyes of the others moms.  I have always been the older parent in my circle of friends.  I was one of the oldest moms when Soccer Girls was in preschool.  I am the oldest in my Girls Night Out group of friends.  It makes sense, Chief and I did not get together until I was 28 years old; I was 32 when I had Soccer Girl.  Heck a girl I went to high school with has a 22 year old son!  So, I did get started late in comparison to many.  But wait, I do not have teenagers yet so I can't be that wise.  But I guess in the party setting this weekend, I was the wise old parent, at least from their perspectives.    

I do not feel like the wise parent, per say.  I feel a different type of parenting wisdom, one I could not imagine as a newer mom.  It is wisdom from worry that we only have 7 more years with Soccer Girl at home.  S-E-V-E-N.  A lot of my friend’s kids are all under the age of about 7!  It is a wisdom that comes from the discussions with our tween girl, who is wise beyond her years, which stop us in our tracks at times.  It is wisdom from trying to help Lizard find her own way as she navigates behind her older sister who seems to have it all and her cute little brother. And it is wisdom from trying to help Little Man learn the basics of life and how to channel his energy in a positive way.

Those are all very different types of mothering; very different types of worry and very different types of mental exhaustion.  And they are all going on at the same time.  Maybe that is what people see.  I still have a foot in the little kid world but with a foot planted firmly in the older kid world.  Whatever it is, I think I am part of the “club” and I am honored to be here.  Even if I am only really a junior member! 

The Invisible Women

That is exactly what has been gnawing at me. I feel invisible. I have labeled it lately to Chief as feeling ignored… invisible.


Nicole Johnson is an author, performer and motivational speaker. She creates skits to portray women and their struggles and challenges. I saw her once at the Women of Faith conference and she was wonderful. While I did not see this skit in person, I have seen it in the past and it resonated with me then. But, I it just resonated with me big time. I know it is not a coincidence I ran into it again now. Take six minutes and watch.

I have wanted acknowledgement that raising three kids is hard and I am underappreciated. It is a great sacrifice to be a parent. It is an honor to be my children’s mother. And, yes it is underappreciated in the day to day moments of mothering. It is a thankless job. I think intellectually most people know these things when they become a parent. Any parent would sacrifice their life for their child. What is difficult is how that sacrifice plays out in the day to day walk of everyday life… the homework monitoring, the struggle to clean the house, the soccer practice routine, the paper hoarding of a seven year old, and the dents in the wall from thrown toys.

Where I have steered off the path is that I should not expect thanks. It is not my children’s job to pat me on the back and say thanks for doing their laundry. It is my job let them know in everything I do that they are loved no matter what, regardless of the thanks or acknowledgement I get. My selfishness will not accomplish that. My responsibility is to build the best people I can… build the character of these little people entrusted to me… all without thanks, acknowledgment or atta boys.


On Nicole’s website freshbrewedlife.com and in the video, she speaks of a book about the great cathedrals.  After reading the book the following four life-changing truths emerged and after which she would pattern her work [of raising children]:

1. No one can say who built the great cathedrals – we have no records of their names
2. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished
3. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit
4. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything

She goes on to say “As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we’re doing it right. And one day it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, [but] at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.”

I do not want a record of what I have done and I do not want credit. I want my kids to come home.

Be Still

A friend posted “be still” on Facebook yesterday.  I so needed to hear that.  “Be still, and know that I am God…”  Palms 46:10

What does that mean really?  To me, it means shut up and let God worry about it.  To me it means, I can worry all I want, but it won’t change the plan.  It means that I have yet to fully believe God has it handled.

I have been feeling overwhelmed, inadequate and just plain tired.  I basically feel like I am not doing anything very well.  Negative thoughts run through my head and I have a “poor me, look how hard I have it” attitude that is spilling out to my family in a not so nice way.  I worry that my kids will hate me… how to manage Lizard’s six month gluten free diet… that my husband will finally chuck me to the curb because I can’t seem to get it together… that Little Man will stop asking me to play with him if I tell him too many times “not right now”… that my house will crumble around us because we do not ever do the maintenance you should do on an eight year old house… and Soccer Girl needs braces… and Lizard has a cavity… I need a crown and probably carpal tunnel surgery… hmmm, can I just get off the ride for awhile?  I am physically tired, I mean really tired.  My brain can’t do it all.

How do people do it?  How can they be still?  How do you actually turn your worries over to God.  My problems are minor in comparison to what some go through.  It should be easy for me to be still.  But it is not.  It feels like I should just handle my own woes myself and quit bellying aching to God; God should spend his time on those with the big things (cancer, death, no food to eat).  But, I know that is not what God wants or what the bible says.  

So I will continue to work on being still.  Our women's retreat is coming up in April.  Guess what the theme is?… Being still.

I Do Not Need the Pressure

So Little Man had a rough day yesterday… so rough I had to sign an incident report for four separate situations… not one or two, but four.  All in one day.  Neat.

He was apparently so excited over certain activities, he pushed a friend over, flat on their back with feet in the air… three times.  No reason other than he was excited and could not control his hands.  And then he and another child were having issues… the other little guy was hitting and my Little Man was mad and threw a chair at the other kid.  Fabulous.

His teacher had the appropriate discussion with him, I spoke to his teacher about what happened and we talked to Little Man about what he did as well.  Several times, I might add.  We reminded him this morning about being kind, keeping our hands to ourselves and all the stuff you are suppose to teach your kids.

When I picked Drew up today from school, in his backpack was an apology letter from his friend that hit him telling Little Man he was sorry for hitting and that he would keep his hands to himself.  It was obviously written by the child's parent, but Little Man's friend did sign his name.

Apology letters are a great learning tool.  Even my girls have written a few in their day.  At first, I felt horrible that I did not have Little Man "write" a note to his friend… throwing a chair could be viewed as worse than hitting.  Then I thought about it and decided that apology notes in preschool are over the top.  The whole point of an apology note is the learning moment for the child and for them to understand how their actions impact others.  While it does also serve as a notice to the other parent that the offending act has not been sweep under the mat, it is the child's apology, not mine.  Honestly, I think for 3-4 year olds, the point is lost.

So while I maybe should have done more to demonstrate to other parent it has been addressed, he is in preschool for pete's sake.  It seems like society is pushing things on kids younger and younger.  Your child better show up to kindergarten KNOWING their letters or your child is considered behind.  Your 3.5 year old had better sit quietly while watching his sister swim or you get the eye rolling and whispers.  You better expose your kids to every sport known to man and push them hard at a young age or they will not get a college scholarship.  

I have high expectations of my kids and push them to be the best little people they can be, but frankly, I do not need the pressure and neither do my kids.  I am confident Little Man will be writing his fair share of apology letters.  But I will ensure he writes the note and means it, not me.


 

Hello 2011

Another year is here… 2011.  It is unbelievable how fast last year went.  I really understand now how people would tell you how fast life will go by as you get older.  They were not kidding.

2010 saw my oldest turn eleven and really hit the swing between being a kid and a young lady; my middle one now really reads and took a stand that she is not going to play soccer. And, my littlest guy started preschool with much more success that we anticipated.  Chief was able to leave a horrible job that he had for 2.5 years and start one that he loves; and one where they appreciate his talents and expertise.  I started another part time job to help ease the household budget.  All in all it was a good year. 

I am here to report I succeed in two of the three goals I set for 2010.  I officially started my photography business.  I had a great time photography families and loved doing five senior picture shoots.  And, I guess I can say it is a full-fledged business since I got paid for all those jobs.  I also accomplished reading the bible in a year, finishing at 8 p.m. on New Year’s Eve – nothing like a deadline to motivate me.  I, however, failed miserably at losing 35 pounds.  I guess two out of three is not bad.

My goals for 2011 are:

1.     Get healthy.  That involves losing weight for sure, but more important than that, is reclaiming some energy.  Trying to be less crabby and more engaged in whatever I am doing.  To me, that is healthy.  I want to be a woman who glows from the inside; the one who is engage, active and healthy. 

2.     Learn to knit.  My grandmother knit… a lot.  She would make complicated fisherman knit sweaters and also knit little stocking caps to give to the nursery at her local community hospital.  She always made red and green ones at Christmas time.  That just makes me smile.  I do not want to set the knitting world on fire, just learn a basic stitch or two. 

3.     Read more.  My brain needs activity and I love to read.  I just do not make time for it and it is kind of hard to get lost in a book when you hear “Mom” literally every 4.3 minutes.  But I will try.

My oldest daughter discovered my first gray hair on December 31^st and I discovered another one just this morning.  What a way to ring in the new year, but at almost 43 (on Saturday!) I can not complain.  I am definitely feeling older and more sentimental as time passes.  I am just breathing in Little Man’s smell because his “being little” years are flying by.  I can see our lives with teenagers, something I could not imagine a year or two ago.  It is all good, but it is becoming crystal clear how important being engaged is to me and how important to be present in every moment. 

So bring it on 2011 and may I remember these words every day and put them to practice.   

The Claws are Ready

I have been mulling this over in my brain for a few days so I decided to put it down.  With Christmas season in full swing, the Christmas cards are arriving.  It is wonderful to receive cards and greetings from friends down the street, far away friends and family friends from when we grew up.

One card we received had the usual greetings and well wishes.  It also had some wonderful comments about the girls and how much of a pleasure they are.  It also contained a comment about Little Man and how much of a challenge he is with the underlying message that he maybe is not as pleasant to be around.  Knowing these people, I know logically the comment was benign and not meant to hurt… but it did, deeply.

My heart sunk with the thought that people have this view of my son.  This is my underlying fear for Little Man… that people (family, friends, teachers, strangers) can not see past his behavior challenges to see the real soul that is there.  He may not fit into everyone else's "proper little" 3.5 year old box, but that does not mean he should be written off or looked down on (or that we should be looked down on because we just can't seem to parent him properly to make him fit into some box or because someone thinks we have not taught him the word "no").

He is a soul that is smarter than most 3.5 year olds.  He is a soul that is clever and funny.  He is a soul that is very athletic.  He is a soul that feels his emotions more than most.  He is a soul that is strong in who he is.  He is a soul that is not shy.  He is a soul that is strong willed and stands by his position.  He is a soul that cares for others.  These are all qualities that most would argue will serve him well as an adult.  I am learning as a parent that we should celebrate these characteristics instead of trying to squash them out of kids so they fit into some arbitrary box.  My job as a parent is to create a box for him in today's society that fosters these qualities.

Little Man is a challenge, it is no secret.  He has improved tremendously as he has gotten older.  We are seeking expert advice in how to help him best.  We are not idling sitting by watching and hoping things work out for the best.  We are doing everything in our power to be the best parents to Little Man and doing what works for him.  We are not parenting him based on what everyone else thinks we should or should not be doing with him.

After mulling this over and thinking things through, I am now just pissed.  My bear claws are ready to swing at the first unfair comment or suggestion about how my little boy behaves or how we parent him.  I know the view expressed in the card was colored by other people's opinions who have had very limited exposure to Little Man.  It also hurts to know that our discussions over the years about Little Man's challenges, spoken in honesty and in moments of frustration, have colored people's view of him.  And what hurts more is that view may not be changed, even with time, despite his best efforts or ours.

So my claws are sharpened and ready to defend my son.  He is an amazing kid and I am sorry that some can not see past the surface; it is too bad because they are missing out.

SAHM vs. WPTAHSM

Preface - This post is not a debate of the merits of being a working Mom or a stay at home Mom.  Everyone makes their own decisions about what is best for themselves, their kids and their families.  This are just my ramblings and not meant to offend, judge or sway anyone who may be in either camp. 

I think it is safe to say that I am a working Mom now instead of a stay at home Mom, who works very part time.  I guess I have to update my profile on my side bar some day.  I am not sure how I feel about that… good in some ways and not so good in others.

I have gone from working one day a week for a total of about 7-10 hours for the last seven years to working five days a week for a total of about 27 hours.  That is not full time by any means, but definitely those added hours have been an adjustment for the whole family.

The change has been a blessing on many fronts.  First it has added income flow to the budget which has been very nice.  It is nice to have some extra to decide what to do with.  What a nice change.  I think I can actually breathe just a little bit easier.

And the biggest blessing and one that was hidden from us when we made the decision, was how Little Man would benefit.  He has truly done amazing.  His new school is a perfect fit for him.  They love him and see his unique talents.  His class is smaller, more academically based and more structured which has served him well.  He is very proud of all he accomplishes each day… writing letters, completing projects and learning bible based lessons.  Just yesterday he was singing to himself in his raspy little boy voice, "God is good, God is good."  Yes Little Man, he is!  He other favorite is "Many, Many Blessings.  Many, Many Blessings."  While he is still having some behavior issues at school, he has done remarkably well with the transition.

The girls have struggled a little with the time that I am away now.  They are having to manage themselves more and contribute more to the household duties.  Those are all good things, but is has probably been more of an adjustment for them then I realized it would be.  Overall, they are doing great though.  They seem to get along well when they are together and have actually stepped up to the responsibility.  Just yesterday, they decided on their own to dust, sweep, mop and vacuum the house.  Their only assigned chore was to empty the dishwasher.  Those are some good kids!

I guess the one that has had the hardest time transitioning is me.  I want to be home, I like being home.  And while I am not the best SAHM, I think it is so important.  I posted about some of my struggles before.  But, nonetheless, is makes me sad that I am not able to be home in that way any more.

It is funny… I think it is so important for my kids that I am home, knowing what is going on with them and that they are important and matter.  But at the same time I also think it is important for kids to see their Mom work; doing something for herself and the family. I think kids need to know that the world does not revolve around them and their every need and interest catered to.  The real world does not work that way and I think a false sense of entitlement can be created if Mom's are not careful.  My kids have all benefited immensely from being in a positive daycare setting for many years; many kids miss out on that.

I guess after such a long time being mostly at home and doing most all the SAHM things, it is hard to think of myself any other way.  What is ironic is that I have never been a full SAHM.  I have always worked since I have had kids, from three days a week, to full time to one day a week.  I am not sure why I have thought of myself as a SAHM all these years.  But I have.  A more accurate title for me over the years, and especially now, would be a WPTAHS or a Work Part Time at Home Some Mom.   It is just hard to re-program my brain to view myself another way.

I feel out of the loop with friends.  I have no time to myself without children around (this is the first year I was getting a little bit of time to myself when they were all in school, but is was very short lived).  I still have all the responsibilities that I had before but less time to do it all in.  And the biggest struggles is getting "it" all done without impacting the kids even more.  Sigh.

Don't get me wrong.  It is getting easier and I can not tell you how thankful I am that I am not working full time.  I know I should be thankful and celebrate the fact that I seem to have the best of both worlds (did you hear the Hannah Montana song in your head there for a minute?).  I have to start to recognize the benefits everyone is getting from this change and not focus so much on what everyone may be missing.  Logically, I know I am not failing as a Mom by working more.  I know that deep down, but it is struggle in my Mommy heart all the same.

It Has Been Awhile...

I can not believe I have not posted anything since the beginning of September.  It has been a crazy few months with lots of changes for us.

The biggest change is that I started another part time job!  It was one of the first resumes I sent out and I got the job.  It was truly a "careful what you wish for" type of feeling.  I can not believe with how many people out there looking for work right now, I got it.  I feel very blessed.  It is part time Monday-Friday in the mornings only…. I am back home by 1 o'clock.  Mondays are long though since I moved my other part time job to the afternoon.  And also on Monday I do my third part time job after the kids go to sleep.  But overall, I like the people and the job.  I am using my brain which is a very good thing.  And, it has added a cushion to our budget which was the desired result.

It is funny, the hardest thing I struggled with was having to move Little Man from his preschool to a whole new day care/preschool set up.  He did really well with his old preschool teacher despite how much of a challenge he could be.  I could have pieced together care for him during the week and keep him there, but he would have had four different care givers during the week.  And that would have only been through the end of the year.  That was not going to work on many levels, but most importantly, it was not fair to him to shuttle him around so much.  So we made the decision to make a complete change.

It has been the best move for him.  He LOVES his new preschool and teacher.  Just yesterday when I picked him up, we were walking out to the car and he said "I just love this place."  Oh Little Man, I do too!  While he has had some difficulties, he has not seemed to struggle with behaving like he did at his old preschool.  They see how smart he is and what a sense of humor he has.  They see him positively, not negatively.  I so need to hear that when it comes to my Little Man.

Since I pick him up after all the other kids that are still there have gone down for rest/nap time, he has to sit at a table and quietly play and wait for me.  I thought this would be a big negative.  But it has turned out to be wonderful for him.  He is getting about 30-40 minutes of one on one time with a teacher, sometimes two!  He is coloring, practicing his letter and using flash cards.

And, he is at a home daycare on Mondays with a wonderful loving, Christian women from our church.  He can snuggle on the couch if he needs too.  And, she also does formalized preschool activities with the kids so he is getting five days a week of "education."  Fabulous.

The girls are enjoying their new found responsibility of getting themselves to school.  They have worked together well and Soccer Girl has really stepped up to look out for Lizard.  They have surprised me.  They are doing the chores I leave for them and getting their reading done all before school.  Yah for responsible children!

It is funny how everything fell into place and the timing of it all.  The location, the hours, Little Man's care, the girls stepping up...The answer to prayer is not lost on me.

The other fun thing that has happened is the number of photography jobs I have gotten.  I have done five senior portraits sessions in the last three months and have a family session coming up this weekend.  I love it!  I has been hard to balance the time commitment it takes in editing the photos with all that has been going on.  But it really has been fun.  I see my photography as a fun creative outlet for me, a much needed service for people looking for good affordable photographs (did you know that senior pictures can cost upwards of a $1000… can you believe someone would pay that and that someone would have the nerve to charge that?!) and something that earns us some extra spending money.  A win-win-win!

As I am getting use to the new schedule, I think I will be back to posting more often.  I have lots rattling around in my brain that I think needs to be written… thoughts on working more and how that impacts me and how I view myself as a Mom, updates on Little Man, making things a priority that should be…. lots in my brain.  I am feeling a little less frazzled so I think I can begin to formulate my thoughts so I can document this time.  After all, the name of my blog is "simply capturing life" so I should do that, capture our life.

Start of Another School Year

All three kids started school yesterday.  Backpacks were ready and lunches made the night before (we have turned their lunch making responsibility over to the girls – yahoo!).  Clothes picked out, baths and all were asleep early.  We were ready!  I took the obligatory photos in the morning on our front porch, in front of the bush with yellow flowers, in front of the hydrangeas, and the stairs with the backpacks.  Soccer girl has it down by now, directly the other two where to go next.  Little Man cooperated and I got some fun shots of the three of them.  Such a great day and a bittersweet one too.

Soccer girl started 5th grade… her last year in elementary school.  She seemed very nervous, but excited to start the year.  She has always been my worrier and wears her emotions on her sleeve.  I hope for a challenging year for her that prepares her for middle school… academically, socially and emotionally.  And, I am just saying, but the kids in her class look so big.  I swear there was one boy who was a tall as me.  I am ready for this, but on the other hand, I am so NOT ready for this. 

Lizard started 2nd grade.  She was a trooper and eased into her class.  She was quiet from nerves, but also very confident.  I think Lizard will do well as she leaves the ease of first grade.  She is eager to do big girl things and hopefully this will be the year she comes onto her own and matures.  She is looking forward to getting homework.  Hopefully second grade will meet her expectations.

Little Man started 3’s preschool.   He was so excited, wearing his backpack and carrying his lunch box even when walking the girls to their school.  He did well and other than telling me he did not want me to go, he seemed to be having fun.  I was able to leave and sneak around and watch him.  I am curious to see what this year brings for him.  

Since I am stealing this from a friend’s facebook post I can not claim any brilliance in writing it, but I think it sums up my wish for my kids this year…

May you find a friend that likes you because you are nice, not because you are cool.  May you have a teacher that makes you eager to learn, not just eager to please.  May you treat all your peers equal, not just the one’s that you want to impress.  May your year be blessed and your memories rich. 

It is Hard to Grow Up

This summer has been a whirlwind... I am actually not looking forward to school starting... just yet.  Usually I am ready for school to be back in session a few weeks after the kids get out, but not this summer.  And, I am not sure exactly why.

Maybe I know I will have to be earnest in my job search (although I am coming around to the idea of working more and have put out a few feelers already).  Maybe I know now that the grind of making lunches gets old by about day three.  Maybe it is because my youngest is starting preschool (how can that be?).  Maybe because we have not had as much arguing this summer as last summer (still lots of bickering, but not as much or is it that I am getting immune to it?).  I think maybe the main reason is that my oldest is starting her last year of elementary school.  

Her little kid days are very numbered and I realize that.  The things she wants to do, the discussions she wants to have, the questions she asks are not little kids things any more for the most part.  Soccer girl has always been mature for her age and very observant of life and things going on around her.  We have even had to have the “birds and the bees talk” with her well over a year ago when she was 9 or so because the subject came up among her friends.  Bless Chief’s “Dad of a Daughter” heart when he initially told her to wait and we would talk about it when they saw the “movie” in school.  Can’t get away with waiting that long in this day and age.  And the wonder of Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy are long out of the bag.  Sigh.

The age span between my kids has been very evident this summer.  What entertains a 3 year old does not really entertain a 10.5 year old.  The most recent example was last week when I told the kids we were meeting friends at the park (where she is the oldest kid in the group), “we are going to a park, really do we have to?”  Kids want to play at the park, for pete sakes... right?

It is a struggle to let Soccer Girl do things, while Lizard pouts because she does not get to do all that fun stuff.  It is hard for a seven year old to be the one who is told no all the time.  Soon her circle will expand, but not soon enough for her.   
  

So I am letting the last few weeks of summer unfold, buying school supplies and a few new clothes.  The last few play dates and sleepovers have been scheduled.  It is hard for kids to grow up these days, but I think it is even harder for this Mom to let them grow up.