The Pile

It has been a crazy month!!!

We had family visiting – first my sister (super fun and lots of shopping!) and then my in-laws (always fun to play cards!).

And, Chief and I got a little get away to Las Vegas.  While we were tied to him coaching soccer for his team in a tournament (Soccer Girl does not play on the team he coaches), we were able to relax and just “be” which rarely happens.  It was nice to eat grown up meals without refereeing kids and to sit like grown ups at a bar and TALK to each other.  It is nice to have a reminder that we do actually like each other, have fun together and be reminded why we are together.  That can get lost in the daily busyness with kids, jobs and a house.  I do love that man.

On my pile for awhile is my mom.  But in the last few weeks, my mom has gone down hill some, prompting my dad to finally make the heart-wrenching decision to move my mom to a facility.  My dad and my sister found a wonderful facility that specializes in dementia patients.  Dad is doing the paperwork and evaluations and most likely mom will move in April some time.  I will head home to help move my mom and all that goes with that.  It will difficult.  I tear up now just thinking of it.  When I picture my mom in a facility, no matter how wonderful it may be, I picture loss.  This is just further confirmation that my mom is gone.  While she is still here physically, she is gone.  And it sucks.  I am sure I will write more on this as time passes, but for now, I am sad.

To the pile we added our car that needed major work to the tune of $2500!  We need to replace at least one of our vehicles as the both have over 145,000 miles each.  We can swing something, but are not willing to tap our monthly cash flow for some big car payment.  I honestly can not believe that some people have car payments of $600 or more!  While I am the first to admit I would LOVE to drive around in a nice new vehicle with all the gadgets and gizmos, I am at a place in my life that I do NOT want the stress and burden such a car brings.  It is humbling and satisfying to live within our means.  Our cars are reliable.  That is the purpose of a car…getting from A to B safely and reliability.  I have to keep reminding myself of that fact.

And to add to our “pile” of things we are dealing with right now, our beloved dog, Boomer, has cancer.  Our eleven year old golden retriever has mast cell tumors, stage 2 or stage 3.  We notice a lump on his hip area in December.  He was licking it and caused it to open up so I took him into the vet in early February.  We discussed the options – the best course being surgery to remove the lump and have it tested so we knew what we were dealing with.  The cost of the surgery caused us to delay taking action.  This was a huge blessing because less than a month later, we noticed about eight more lumps in his belly area that were not there previously and the one lump we were watching, doubled in size.  They did a needle biopsy and we received the news.  One option is chemotherapy which unfortunately would only help if the tumors were stage 3, which we do not know definitely and is cost prohibitive.   And the other option is surgery which would be very difficult given the location and number of the tumors.  So we have made the decision to keep him comfortable for as long as possible.  Right now he is acting normal, eating and drinking just fine.  He is a fantastic dog, friendly and filled with personality.  As much as he drives me crazy with his dog hair and pushiness to get into the house, I love the big dummy. 

Also, adding to the “pile” is Chief’s job.  The company he works for is struggling financially and at one point we were worried if they would make payroll.  We knew heading into this job that it probably would not be a long term gig – he took the position to gain different experience in a cutting edge field.  And, while things look stable at the moment, Chief is in the job market again.  His resume is all polished up and he is diligently looking for his next adventure.  He LOVES this job, the people he works for, the experience he has gained and the flexibility his role provides.  I am praying his next position will be as satisfying to him. 

And ever on my pile is Little Man.  We are working with a physiologist and it has been helpful to talk about what is normal for an ADHD kid and work on strategies to help him.  He has a new teacher at school and she had put a lot of structure in place and that has been wonderful for him.  I have met with his future kindergarten teacher and discussed what ideas she has.  I know he is seeing a difference in our parenting, but as usual, I feel like I don’t do enough and am not consistent enough.  I just need to keep plugging away and know in my heart that we are doing our best.  Interestingly he has been teary eyed lately and gets visibly upset over things that in the past would have just make him mad.  I am not sure what that is about, but hopefully he is recognizing his feeling more and expressing them differently.  Who knows?

ADHD.  I do not want it to be viewed as an excuse.  I know a lot of the world view ADHD as an excuse for poor parenting and unruly children.  But I do not want him labeled as a bad kid when he truly has a reason for his energy and difficultly controlling his behavior.  This issue is on my list for the physiologist. 

My pile continues to grow worrying about friends and family that are going through hard times right now.  Soccer Girl and all her tween issues are on my pile…and Lizard being squished in the middle.  Sigh. 

Life is hard sometimes.   The pile seems extra large at this time.  But surprisingly, I feel at peace… at least a lot of the time.  I am trying to turn these things over to God and trying to not let worry suck the joy out of any given moment.  There is a Carrie Underwood song that says that “mountain you have been climbing is just a grain of sand.”  That is how I need to view my pile at the moment.  It is a few grains of sand. 

Intentional Parenting

I tend to be a reactive parent.  I strive to be intentional.  I work hard at learning and educating my kids in the ways of the world.  But unfortunately, I succumb to the tiredness and frustration and don't have the finest parenting moments a lot of times.  Like I blow my top when the dishes are put in the sink instead of the dishwasher for the 10th time that day (come on people, it is right next to the sink!).  Or I promise myself that I am going to play with Little Man instead of letting Legos entertain him for an hour after he gets home from preschool… but I succumb to the quiet the Legos provide and then feel guilty.  Not the finest parenting moments for sure.

But, I am proud to say I had a good, intentional, teachable moment with Soccer Girl last week.  While sitting at swimming lessons for Little Man and Lizard, I asked to see her cell phone.  I routinely spot check her phone, contacts and text messages.  She is fully aware of this and often it is done in a fun way after we have talked about some particular text she told me about.  Her reaction was out of character… she said "well Mom, I deleted {insert name of boy who likes her} texts so you could not read them."  I asked why and she said, again uncharacteristically, "well there are way more things going on than you know about."  This was said in a very disrespectful tone and again VERY uncharacteristic of Soccer Girl.  I simply said "give me your phone" and I put in my purse.

I kept my mouth shut for quite awhile.  I will pause here, because this is HUGE for me.  I normal ramble on and on making my point.  But, I wisely kept my mouth shut.  After a little bit, I asked what is going on that I do not know about.  She said that {insert boy who likes her} had texted her that he "loved her."  She said it was in a joking manner over a week ago and was not a big deal.  I asked her if it was not a big deal, why did she feel the need to delete her text?  Silence.  I then went on to say that the tone in which she spoke to me is unacceptable and that what he texted her was not appropriate.  I will pause here to say this boy is a good kid, very respectful and upfront with his parents and knows Chief and I are aware of his fondness for Soccer Girl.

So we finished up swimming, showered, and stopped at the store to get a few things.  I remained silent and did not comment or reprimand.  Again, HUGE for me.  Soccer Girl knew the seriousness of what was going on since my reaction was so out of character for me.  On the way home, Soccer Girl began to cry in the seat next to me and looked out the window.  I simply rubbed her back for a few minutes and again kept my trap shut.

The whole time I am talking with myself…. how are you going to handle this one?  What is making you so mad?  Is it that this boy said I love you or that she hide the text?  Is that she was so disrespectful?  It came down to trust.  I have never questioned Soccer Girl.  She has never given us any reason to not trust her.  That was the bottom line.  I was a bit peeved at the I love you statement.  But honestly, her actions were untrustworthy and that did not sit well with me.

After getting Little Man to bed, I talked with Soccer Girl.  We talked about what our actions tell people about ourselves and what our actions say to the other person about what you think of them.  I explained her actions told me I may not be able to trust her.  We talked about with trust comes freedom.  I also told her that the manner in which she spoke to me was disrespectful and told me that she did not think I have any idea what is going on with her or kids her age.  I explained I was not mad about what he texted (although it was totally inappropriate and raises questions in our minds about him); it was the manner in which she chose to handle herself.

We went on to talk about when she is with her friends, when she does/says something OR does not do/does not say something, she is sending a message to them about her values.  She needs to convey her values, what she believes is right and wrong in everything she does.  We talked about it not being easy, even for an adult.  But it is so important that her friends know where her "line in the sand" is.  This is a phrase we have used for a long time.  We have talked about why some parents let their kids watch movies we would not let her watch…. their line in the sand is different then ours.  We have used this in reference to music or ability to do certain things… it is all based on where our line stands.  So she knows what a "line in the sand" means.  We talked about if your friends don't honor your line, they are not a true friend.  But you have to let them know what is OK and what is not OK… where you stand.

Overall, we had a really good discussion.  I think she got what I was trying to explain to her.  She is smart like that.  And, I did not ramble.  I did not drone on and on.  We had a discussion and I think I set the tone for the teen years and how important trust is in our  relationship.  At least I pray I did.

The Gift of a Blog Post

There are many blog posts that I read in my travels that have great information, a funny story or a thought provoking viewpoint.  But every once in awhile, there is some posts that are written TO me.  FOR ME.. and about what is in my heart.  A blog post over at Momastery the other day is one such post.  I only recently came across this blog through a good friend posting a link on facebook.  There have been quite a few gems in just a week or so (I haven't even had a chance to read her archives!).  In fact, I even took the time to read a few posts to Chief - again, some were thought provoking and some funny.  But the post the other day, was FOR ME at exactly the right moment.  To read "my" post, go here.


I have written about Little Man's struggles many times.  I know logically in my head that he is wonderfully made and it is the world that needs to adjust.  But, is has been a struggle for me to really believe that... deep down.  That is hard to admit.  I know there are many kids who struggle much more than my son.  I feel a little selfish and dramatic feeling what I do at times and saying how hard it it.  But it is.  I have parented two other kids who are "model" children.  So in contract, Little Man's challenges are big to me.  They are difficult and they are embarrassing.  


Glennon's post said everything I have been feeling so beautifully.  Here are a few excerpts:


"Every child is gifted and talented. Every single one. "   


"... if we are patient and calm... and we keep believing, we will eventually see the specific magic of each child."

"We have to actually believe that our kids are okay.


I know. Tough. But we can do it. We can start believing by erasing the idea that education is a race. It’s not. Actually, education is like Christmas. We’re all just opening our gifts, one at a time. And it is a fact that each and every child has a bright shiny present with her name on it, waiting there underneath the tree. God wrapped it up, and He’ll let us know when it’s time to unwrap it. In the meantime, we must believe that our children are okay. Every last one of them. The perfect ones and the naughty ones and the chunky ones and the shy ones and the loud ones and the so far behind ones and the ones with autism.


Because here’s what I believe. I think a child can survive a teacher or other children accidentally suggesting that he’s not okay. As long as when he comes home, he looks at his mama and knows by her face that he really is."

WOW.  

Having just received the official ADHD diagnosis, I have been thinking a lot about shifting my mind set.  Little Man is not TRYING to be naughty, defiant or difficult.  He wants to have friends and please us and his teacher.  I am thankful that he is young enough to not realize the impact of his struggles on others and himself.  We are praying we can help him learn to manage himself before he sees things clearly and how his behavior impacts him socially and academically.  

I want him to know he is okay... deep in his soul.  And that starts with me believing, deep in my soul that he is okay and will be okay.  

I pray that he knows he is okay... no matter what he does or says.  He has so many things to show the world.  It is my hope and prayer that he and I can say to the world some day "told you so."  

Time Does Fly!

Well, that was an unplanned break!  I can not believe over a month has gone since I last posted.  Honestly, I had lots of thoughts to write down last month.  I think I even sat down a few times to start a post and then got pulled away for some reason.  But, time does fly, especially when you are not looking...

So I am going to resort to a good old bullet type list to catch this blog up to date:

1.  I am back to working one morning a week.  My "free" time without kids last month was taken up with Christmas stuff - gift buying, trip planning and other such stuff.  It has been a very good thing to be home more again.  I think everyone is happier (except maybe the bank account).  I feel more like myself again.

Now that the New Year is here, I am trying to get a groove going.  I don't want to waste time.  I want to be intentional.  I need to focus on adding some more work to my schedule (consulting and/or some other avenue), but I am looking for a flexible from home set up.  Our family needs me home.  That is one thing I know.  

2.  We spent Christmas in Sunriver - just the five of us.  It was heaven!  We love our extended families to death.  We all get along, don't fight or have much underlying tension I hear some families have.  We have a good time playing games, eating and all that fun stuff.  But we have either hosted family or traveled (and all the house hopping that entails) every Christmas our ENTIRE marriage.  We have never had Christmas morning with just us.  It was waaaayyyy overdue.

We ate easy meals, I read a whole book in three days, the kids ran around and did what they wanted without too much correction from us to settle down, we went on bike rides, walks (hmmm, yah… there was NO snow!!!  I am still ticked about that), went in the hot tub and just enjoyed being together with no schedule or food to have done at a certain time.  It was a much needed refresher for our family.

3.  Lizard is starting speech intervention at school this week.  The crazy kid sounds like she is from Boston.  She was in early intervention for speech articulation in preschool.  When she was tested in Kindergarten, she did not "qualify" for intervention.  We have however, been watching her "R" sounds for quite awhile and while they were better in Kindergarten, they have slowly gotten worse over the years.  She is excited about fixing her sound.  Poor thing was upset about getting assigned the number "four" jersey in basketball.  She was upset that she would have tell people she was "four" and not be able to say it right because of her "R" sound.

4.  Soccer Girl is doing great in school.  She made honor roll!  Oh my...  The middle school drama.  She is not actually "in" the drama, but is having a great time telling me all about it… who likes who, who does what, who has changed, who she thinks is headed for trouble and all that.  She said to me after her first day back at school from break, "Mom, big news at school.  So and So (name removed to protect the innocent) got her eyebrows fixed."  Oh my, to be twelve!  She has been very open with us about the one boy (who she has know since Kindergarten) who likes her.  He is a good kid and very nice so I am not too worried… at least so far.

It is interesting how the boy thing works now days.  Texting has added a whole new level of communication between young kids.  When I was twelve, a boy had to get up the nerve and call you.  Now, they can just text you… at 10 o'clock at night.  Heaven help us!

5.  Little Man.  While there are times I could just eat him because he is so sweet and kind, there are other times, I could ring his neck.  We met with his teacher in December and received some sobering information, not surprising... but sobering nonetheless.  And, we have begun working with a psychologist.  She has diagnosed him with ADHD - hyperactive/impulsive.  We are not surprised since we have had so many issues for so long, but we don't believe it to some extent because the questionnaires we completed are just a snap shot in time.  And he does not "look" like the typical ADHD kid who hangs from the rafters.  But, any "diagnosis" for your child is hard to accept, I guess.  So we are starting our journey… I will obviously post more as we learn more and work out a plan.

6.  I turned 44.  Neat.

That, I think, are the highlights of the last month.  I am glad to ring in a new year with all the possibilities.

Thankful: Day 29 & 30!

Day 29 - thankful Little Man did not break his arm and for medical care so close to home.

Day 30 - my last day at my job.  So very thankful to be back to working one day a week.  While the budget will be tight again (sigh), the timing it good and we have a plan in place.

This was an interesting exercise to think daily about what I am thankful for.  Even when I did not write it down daily, I could very easily think of what I was thankful…it was what stood out to me most.  I just read this quote on Pinterest.

What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday.  

Thankful: Day 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28

Behind again!

Day 23 - realizing that while she is growing up fast, Soccer Girls is still very innocent.  When filling out a form at the doctor's office, she asked if she lived in a shelter.  No sweetie, you don't.

Day 24 - my extended family and having an abundance of food.

Day 25 - enjoying a good lazy day.

Day 26 - loving on a sweet puppy.  She almost came home with us... if she wasn't $700.00!!

Day 27 - spending time at the library all by myself.  It was just about 30 minutes, but it was so nice.  The possibilities are endless...

Day 28 - waking my kids up in the morning.  They are safe at home and are so beautiful.

We Need to Meet

Yesterday Little Man's preschool teacher asked to meet with me.  While Little Man is doing okay, she said he "needs more."  The incentives they use in the room are not enough for him.  She would like to devise a plan to work with him.

She told me he is very smart but very energetic.  I have learned over the years that those are codes for he doesn't keep his hands to himself… he interferes in the class… he is not able to socialize with the other kids… label it however you want.  It means he is still struggling.  While he has improved, I know he will continue to struggle well into his formal school years.

So we will meet next week to talk about the issues and come up with a plan.  But, right now, I feel like we have not done enough for him and that I have failed him.  I feel just plain defeated and sad.

I know that I need to embrace all of him.  I know that he is wonderfully made.  I know that all of the things that may be viewed as "challenges" now will fade and serve him well… some day.  It is just hard to accept that when it is your kid not invited to a class birthday party and most days the teacher has to talk to you about what happened that day.

I will feel sad for a little bit longer.  Then I will look into his beautiful face and plow forward with a plan.